I hope this helps someone silently suffering
Let me begin by saying, you are not alone. It is not just you, you are not crazy. These were the words my psychiatrist shared with me when I was diagnosed with OCD my sophomore year of college back in 1991. I can't begin to tell you the relief I felt when I found out that what I was suffering from actually had a name. I dove in, read everything I could on the disorder. I was put on Prozac and Buspirone, the drugs helped, but what really helped was knowing it wasn't just me.
Roughly 1.8% of the population suffers from OCD. Some more than others. OCD comes in various forms, types and varieties. I'm a checker, but I also obsess on a bad thought I might have had doing a particular activity and then stress myself out, that the only way to reverse that thought is by re-doing the activity. Of course the activity can be anything. Sometimes just tapping a wall, or stepping on the corner of a rug, but other times it can be more specific and bothersome. Like feeling the need to re-touch a piece of mail that has been sent across the country, or looking at a billboard with the "right" thought again in a far away city I have recenlty visited. These sound so silly to the average person, but due to my brain chemistry can be exhausting and absolutely excruciating at times.
I am a 51 year-old man with a beautiful wife and kids. I have a good job. Live in a good home and am for the most part blessed more than most. However, this does not keep my OCD at bay all of the time. I still live with it, deal with it, but just knowing it's a disorder caused by the lack of serotonin in my brain is helpful. Here are some other ways that have helped me. I hope they may might help you:
1) Find a psychiatrist that you are comfortable with and that specializes in anxiety disorders. If they think you need to be on medication, and you find one that is the right fit, take it.
2) Be able to admit and be mindful and aware that you have OCD. It cannot be cured, but can be treated, but the work not only on the medication, it is up to you mentally. Be mindful of your emotions, if something feels like OCD or seems illogical to waste your time thinking about, label it as such, write it down, keep a journal and know, "this is just my ocd."
3) Be your own best friend. By this I mean, root for yourself. Know and love yourself. MY OCD has brought me to my knees. Made me hate myself for having it, ashamed of my brain, disgusted with myself that I can't enjoy what others are enjoying because I'm bothered by needless intrusive thoughts and bizarre compulsive behaviors. Just remember, it's not me it's my OCD. I don't want to feel this way (panic, fear, flop-sweats) but I since I do, let me be mindful of what it really is - misfiring brain - and label it as such. Ride it out and move on.
4) You are the only you, you've got. This is it. One life to live and hopefully be or pursue to be the best you can be. Know your behaviors, label your behaviors and when you do, ignore them (far harder than just typing this, I assure you) but the more you ignore them and move on with your day, the easier they will eventually be dealing with and no longer being bothered by. This is very hard at first, but it will not kill you, it will truly make you stronger.
Know, study and practive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy. There are thousands of books an articles about these therapeutic approaches. Essentially, do what scares you and battle through the discomfort until one day you are no longer bothered. This is a true game changer that helped me get better and better and better.
Never give in to your obsessions or compulsions enough to where you involve someone else doing them for you. Your disorder. Your problem. Do the work and live with it knowing it is just that, a disorder, not a character flaw.
I cannot say this enough, but the self-loathing that comes with having OCD can sometimes be unbearable. Cut yourself a break. Love yourself. You are a badass for having to deal with something each day, few know even anything about. If you slip or backslide on a compulsion, be mindful and say "I know what I am doing is only for temporary relief, it is not real or logical. The next time I feel the need to do this, I will ignore it to get stronger."
Do the things you want to do IN SPITE of OCD. Do not avoid joy, happiness, family or vacations because of fear that you will worry. OCD is worrying about worrying. We do these compulsions because we think they will alleviate worry, but all it truly does is exacerbate the discomfort. Know that you will worry. You will worry about worrying (crazy I do it all the time) but label it as such, this is just my OCD. Enjoy the things you want to enjoy in spite of fear, do it anyway. You will be happier and stronger that you did so. Do not let OCD make you miss out. Fuck OCD, it will always be there, but it's your life and you deserve to live it, in spite of suffering from an unwanted brain disorder.
Keep Perspective: No one gets out of this world alive without knowing some kind of suffering. Everyone has thier own crosses to bear, mountains to climb and challenges to overcome. Some people are paralyzed, blind, deaf, suffer other debilitating diseases and health issues, OCD is yours. Everybody suffers, maybe drug addiction, crime, natural disasters, war, you are not special for suffering, just a member of the human race. People perservere through all kinds of things. You can do it too and will be proud of yourself for doing the hard work and making it happen.
Do the work recquired to deal with OCD, but know it is a daily job.
I am not always the best with remaining diligent. Sometimes I might repeat doing something or tapping, touching or stepping on something, but when I do it, I only do it once, or damn near die trying to. My pride and age at this point have kept these tendencies at bay when I am with friends or family. To this day, I still self-medicate. I look at a six-pack how a diabetic might look at insulin. It's not the best thing, but it helps me. Sometimes, I'll smoke a doob, or experiment with edibles or drink too many old fashioneds. The next day I have "hang-xiety" but these days I am fully aware of it and am able to lable it for what it is.
OCD is a lifelong struggle of mine. I am aware I will always have it, but knowing what it is and how to treat it and deal with it has made a tremendous difference in my life. Having a loving spouse and being able to discuss it has been remarkably helpful. Prayer, reading, meditating also have been helpful too.
I am no better or above anyone else with OCD. I am one of you through and through. My purpose here was not to preach or come across that way. Rather I just wanted to write down a few things for people (like me) who are always seeking ways to get better and enjoy a more fruitful life.
God Bless.