How do you reconcile being a Christian with the pain caused by Christianity?

I know the title might sound provocative, but this is a genuine question. I converted to Catholicism in my 20s, but fell out with the church after a priest asked me to go to conversion therapy (I'm bisexual). Since then, I haven't really been grounded in any faith tradition. I've called myself "pagan" for a while, but that path isn't for me either. I miss having a relationship with Jesus.

That being said, Christianity has been responsible for so many social ills over the past two millennia. There's the Crusades of course, and the decimation of my ancestors (the Celts), and the treatment of indigenous people everywhere. One could try to handwave all that off as a product of the times, but even today, Christian nationalism threatens me and so many of my friends. I look at the MTGs and the Boeberts of the world and I think, can I really count myself among them?

How do you reconcile your love for Jesus with the evils that are clearly present in Christianity? I am really torn up about this issue. I miss my faith and I want to find a spiritual home again.