4 students with magically defective cars who emailed me asking for permission to be absent

All received my standard response:

Dear student name,

I am sorry for your troubles.

I don't grant or reserve permission to attend or not, that is up to you. I do expect you to complete all assignments in a timely manner nonetheless.

Please be aware that as part of my job, I am required to report whether a student was physically in my classroom or not.

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At least no grandparents were harmed in the preparation of this post…