Possibly letting go someone amazing

Hello- many of your stories have helped me, so just want to start off by saying how much I appreciate this community here. Maybe my contribution here can help someone else. I am not sure it is ROCD, but I guess that's the game with OCD, you can never be sure and you have to accept that. In short, I have been getting through month by month mental milestones with someone who is absolutely incredible. I really can't list any flaws that aren't superficial here, and I am grateful to be able to speak with her openly about how she could very well be the "girl that got away" and the "lesson" for me. I know I love her, and I know that I've always been weird with feelings/ frequently getting bored dating or needing that dopamine chase and thinking that is what "love" is. I could go on and on with the details here but ultimately I began to accept how I feel and it is very unfortunate, but at least my "gut feeling" of intense anxiety goes away/ROCD (if it is that) seems at bay because I've learned to not argue with myself.

Lexapro helped for a bit, but then pretty much stopped working, so I am working my way off of that. Does anyone else have the experience of finding the most amazing person, someone they genuinely see a future with and know they love, but for some reason or no reason, it feels like "this can't be" many times? It feels like she is right in front of me waving her arms screaming "hello! I am here" but I have a blindfold on. Then randomly sometimes, that blindfold gets lifted, sometimes for days or weeks at a time, and it isn't really a "manic" feeling, I just feel normal- happy and okay, and I appreciate her and miss and love her. Then, it goes away. I become indifferent towards her- and I am indifferent with many things in life (therapist thinks maybe I project my indifference on her/my relationship).

Anyways, I keep fighting. Our communication is great and she is an adult and knows she can leave whenever she wants and it is not my job to end something because "it isn't fair to her." If it is going to end, it has to be for myself. I keep holding on though. I just want to appreciate her and feel it. But I feel like a zombie half the time (not lexapro's fault, it was like this always). Part of me just feels like I have to end it, but another part of me is so mad at that. Timing and readiness is definitely a big culprit, and there's many more details life-goal-pursuit wise I am not going to go into, but idk. Just looking to start a convo and maybe let others know they're not alone. One therapist said "if you're ruminating next to her and you are in her apartment anxious about breaking up, and in that exact moment you are not ready to pack your bags and leave, don't." + "life decisions should be made in a calm state of mind." I am at peace accepting these feelings/ non-feelings, and I know if we end it it would be in a calm practical state. But I just know she's probably the best thing that has ever happened to me, so it is really frustrating.