Feeling like I'm forcing it
Man it just sucks, I haven't felt clarity in a bit and I'm over here wondering if I'm forcing it or not to be in love with her or not. I'm scared I guess, there's a part of me that does want relief but while typing this I get anxiety so I know deep down it's something that I don't want as well. I'm just worried I guess because my thoughts don't feel as strong or as anxiety inducing or as irritating as they used to be. Maybe because of my ERP? I keep getting the thought of not loving her anymore and it sucks. I really want to love her. But I'm worried because there's a part of me that feels comfort in that. But I don't want that, I really really don't. It stresses me out. When I get my thoughts now, it doesn't stress me out like it used to, and it sucks but it's also nice. But it sucks because in a way I used it for comfort. But now OCD can only see the bad things of my partner. And it sucks man. I accidentally gave into a compulsion by searching things up and it all fit the criteria of "forcing it" there's a part of me that doesn't feel comfort but relief but I'm also scared because I knkw I don't want that, what if I'm just lying to myself? Is it OCD just trying to trick me?? Am I just lying to myself in the end??? I feel so disconnected and so lost you know. It just sucks. When it comes to OCD I can't think of good things without a backdoor spike being taken into place. And it sucks. I don't even feel anxiety 90% of the time anymore but 80% of the day is my thoughts about separation. I just don't want her to leave me, and I don't want to leave her. I'm worried, I don't feel any confidence in saying that and I need to sit with that I know since it's great ERP. But it sucks. What if I do decide it's time to call it quits??? I get my thoughts but with barely any anxiety now. And does that mean it's true in the end?? Or am I just going on here and lying to myself that I have OCD and I'm using It as an excuse over and over. I can't control my thoughts in the end. But it's constantly about separation and I just wish it would stop. I just want to feel connected to her. Feel with her. BE with her. I love her. I hate how I feel no clarity typing this. I wish I did, but I know OCD feeds off clarity so it's best I don't get it. But I want to be with her. I just hate this man. 2 days ago I said I loved her with my entire soul, now im wondering if I'm forcing it or not. I just hate it. A week ago I felt clarity and KNEW I loved her, and now im thinking about it wondering if I even do or am I just lying to myself. I'm scared I'm lying to myself. I don't want to lie to myself or her. ☹️ advice would be appreciated, but this is just my rant. And it sucks. I sometimes wake up and just want to call it quits. But I want to love her. But my desire to call it quits is becoming bigger and bigger each and everyday because of these thoughts. It's hard. My chest hurts a bit from typing this. So I know it gives me anxiety. But I'm wondering if it's truly what I want or not. I really don't want it. I know I don't. But I can't stop wondering or feel confident/comfortable in "knowing" 😞 I love my girlfriend man, I miss her. I just wish it could stop. It's just so stupid, fuck OCD. When I'm with her im always all over her and all cuddly and happy to be with her. I always show her affection when we're together. But when we're apart, it's just hard. It's getting harder to tell myself I love my girlfriend without having that doubt in the back of my head or doubt feeling in general. 😞 it's hard to remember good things and good qualities about my girlfriend when all I can see is the bad ones. But I know there's so many good qualities about her but I never feel confident in it and it sucks. I always feel so stuck and uncertain. It's genuinely getting to me. I don't know if this is the truth for myself or not. But my chest hurts a bit and it sucks. 😞 I don't know anymore. I don't have any anxiety??? No stress??? But I can't help but come back here...????? What is going on??? I'm so lost????😞