[RANT] I’m losing all hope for N lvls

🔺TRIGGER WARNING: s*icidal thoughts, depression

hello before before i start, i just wanted to apologise to my friends who may or may not happen to see this post. ive been on about this for the past week and it’s probably starting to annoy and agitate you. i’m really sorry. :(

basically ever since ive entered sec4 this year, ive felt burnt out and my depression started getting worse. so when it was announced that we will be having home-based learning instead of attending school physically, my life started to crumble even more.

during those 3 months, i barely turned in any of my assignments. and when i did, it would be weeks after the deadline. i couldn’t bring myself to study. i couldn’t get out of bed to do anything, including taking a shower and brushing my teeth. basically my personal hygiene was out the roof. everyday i would sleep in and i was bed bound, with the curtains drawn. the only times when i would step out of my room was to go to the toilet and have a small meal, then retreat back into my hermit shell. i think that, that was one of the worst periods of my life. i felt so drained. i felt suicidal almost everyday, and i had made multiple plans to commit suicide.

with hbl being over, we returned to school for the remaining 3-4 months before N lvs. before that was our O lvl mother tongue exam. i managed to vomit out a grade 2, and that made me relieved. however, Mr Depression™️ still stuck by my side . i still couldn’t get my shit together and my assignments for my remaining subjects were once again, left untouched.

fast forward to the one week break before N lvls, i told myself that i would definitely start my math and science grind. they were one of my better subjects that i could get at least a grade 3 for and i was determined. however, i didn’t start till one day before my physics exam. i felt so burnt out during that break and was once again, bed bound. for that day, it was dedicated to studying for physics. i swear i knew my formulas and everything i needed to do to get that grade 3>. i did my TYS, and i looked through everything thoroughly. i was so confident that i would be able to ace the exam. but boy, was i in it for the exam on the day itself. i thought that paper 1 was fine, but it wasn’t as easy as i expected it to be either. however the moment i flipped open paper 2, i felt my heart drop and begged god to just end my existence right there and then. i couldn’t do the paper. i think i lost more than 20 marks for it. not to mention, i stupidly did all three questions in section B and i just bullshitted my answers for question 6(?) [ it was the table plotting one] while i was able to do question 7 without trouble. i really, really just wanted to end it.

after the exam, the majority of my classmates said that it was “easy” and “quite ok leh”. i was speechless and out of it because after that shitstorm, it was confirmed that i WILL surely get a grade 6 for the exam. i felt a mix of emotions, but for some reason i just couldn’t cry.

history repeated itself, and the moment i went home i started to mug for my math which was on the next day. i spent around 8hours memorising my formulas and did 2 TYS papers, both of which i managed to get a decent grade for. once again, this made me a little more confident for the paper. lo and behold, the moment i flipped paper 1 over, i started to blank out. maybe it was the lack of sleep. or maybe i just didn’t study enough. or maybe it was both. i looked at question 3 and i just.. started to lose it. the more pages i flipped past, the more demoralised i felt. i felt that i could do most questions, though some were left blank as i was oanicking due to the time limit almost being up. i collated the marks for the questions i thought i got right and it was around a 50?? so i was more or less relieved. once again after the paper, my classmates claimed that it was easy but at the same time it was quite challenging. i swear i could feel my entire body disintegrate and soul leave. i was so fked. and then i went home and saw the alleged answers, i swear ive never wanted to desperately neck myself. i would most likely get a 10 or worse. i dont know.

not only did i manage to fk one, but two papers up consecutively. definitely secured my two grade 6s for emb3, unless my chemistry can pull up my science to a pathetic 4 or 5. i have my geography paper later, and since the beginning of this year, i have not touched any of my notes or textbooks. i know. it’s delusional. i planned to fail for my comb humans as i wanted to use my mother tongue. maybe i’ll just go to school later for a 1hr 45min nap.

math paper 2 is the last paper and i genuinely think it will be an extreme pain in the ass for me to even do one question properly. i feel like i’ll start having a panic attack or nervous breakdown before i even attempt the first question. i honestly do not know what to do, and what to expect.

i found both these papers so stupidly hard as compared to the previous years’ TYS. i thought that it’s really unfair, but it’s most probably just a me problem :’( i know ive fked up big time, and actions do have consequences. but i just never learn and it’s actually really concerning, but i’ll do my best.

i never thought that i would resort to reddit, and make an account just to cry about my idiocy, but i feel that i have no one to talk to about this and i just don’t believe that people would understand either,,so i just needed to get this off my chest,, if you’ve read up to here, thank you so much for your time. really, it means a lot to me;; and to whoever who’s also struggling to stay a float, you’re not alone. i love you and i wouldn’t mind lending a listening ear :)

okay, that’s it😺 all the best to my fellow friends taking geography and math paper 2. i’m rooting for you!!! i will now sleep, knowing that my emb3 would skyrocket to a 25