A cry for help
Forgive me if this is not the correct subreddit but I just need a place to vent. I’m 22 and I’m so fucked. I have no friends, no job, no degree, no money, no nothing. I am dealing with I guess some would say severe mental illness, though I dont know if I would say that myself. While not a mental illness, I think autism affects me the most. Combined with everything it all leaves me barely functioning. I've tried so hard just to stay alive doing the bare minimum of caring for myself things like cooking and eating and showering. I've gotten a lot better at maintaining those things but I feel myself coming to burnout, It's becoming harder and harder just to survive.
For the past few months, I have been feeling a sense of entrapment. I think it heightened after I lost my job in November. I do not have any independence and it's making me extremely suicidal. I can't drive and I live out of town so I’m stuck at home 24/7. The only time I get to leave is when I go to my therapy appointments but afterwards, I’m with my mom almost the entire time. I have never left the house by myself, the closest I have gotten is when my sibling and I hang out. The place I live in has no public transport or any walkable areas, so I dont have any options.
Home isn’t a safe place either. I live with 3 other family members who are extremely toxic and I'm on edge all the time. The house is a mess my mom is a hoarder who doesn't want to clean. The house is old and falling apart it's not a functional home if someone on the outside came in they'd have this place condemned, it's that bad. Because of those 3, I'm pretty much confined to my desk, I can't even go outside for fucks sake. My desk isn't that grand either it's a small desk enough for my laptop and a place to draw. I share a room with my mother so I get no privacy.
It's not like I'm forced to stay home or anything, if I ask my mom to take me to the grocery store she would be more than willing to do so. Though I never ask due to a mix of depression and shame. I know I’m a burden to my mom and my sibling so I dont want to add to any of their plates. When I go to the stores or restaurants I’m humiliated when I see others my age and even younger on their own or with friends, and I'm there with my mom, like a child. I stand there like an idiot at the checkout while my mother pays for my things even though I’m a grown ass adult.
Last year I was lucky enough to get a WFH job, the pay was garbage, and it was nowhere near enough for me to be able to live on my own, but it gave me enough to get by. I think it gave me a false sense of stability because now that I got fired I’m back at minus square one. I dropped out of college at 18 in the first semester due to my shit mental health and some family issues at the time, I have no education and prior job experience. Right now I'm not ready to have a job outside of the home, I've been looking for WFH jobs but with no education I'm limited. I found a few and have applied but haven't heard anything back. I can't stop thinking about what my mom told me if he could go to school, a family relative with level 2 autism, then why can't you? I, with level 1. Truth be told I dont know why.
In the meantime, I've been going through my stuff and seeing what I can sell on ebay I also made an esty and have been trying to sell some of my artwork. I've had a few sales over on ebay but etsy has been kind of a bust so far. I thought about going back to school online of course, But I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it. That and I am going to need some sort of stable income and for me, it's going to be impossible for me to work and go to school at the same time, if I manage to get another job that is, especially not in this house. I’m at a standpoint and I dont know where to go from here. Thinking about the next four years of my life makes me want to end it right here, right now.
When I was 16 I tried taking my own life, to this day my biggest regret was reaching out for help. I wish I kept my mouth shut, closed my eyes, and never opened them again. Little did I know how much worse it was going to get. My brain is so fried from years and years of sexual, physical, and verbal abuse. I have been isolated since I was 12 due to being home schooled because of my mental health. Since then the only real human interaction I get is from my family and doctors. I dont know how to be human anymore. Apparently neither does my body. I have so many unexplained health issues despite doing tests. I know my hormones are fucked from so much stress and due to my eating disorder. Sooner or later I think my body will shut down on its own.
As I mentioned earlier I am in therapy. I've been seeing the same therapist for 6 going on 7 months now and I dont think it's helping me all that much. Some things like panic attacks have gotten better, but overall I'd say my mental health has gotten worse. I dont know what more I need, I dont think I can even be helped. My T doesn't get it, some people just can't be saved.
For the past 10 years, it's like I've been stuck my body aged but my mind didn't. While everyone else made friendships and memories, accomplished things, traveled, had their firsts, and gained life experiences, I was and still am stuck in the very same room where it all started. Maybe it will even end here. I know I can't change the past, but with the way things are currently going I’m not going to be able to change the future. I need help to change the future I can't do it on my own. No matter where I turn, no one can seem to help. In a way I guess me posting this is a cry for help probably the last one.