I’ve been dead for 4 years now

Quantum immortality theory says that whenever you make a decision the universe splits into parallel universes. It would be impossible to die because you would have to know the experience that you have died. Only the version of you that lives will experience it, so that’s always your outcome. Is this why I’m still breathing then? That’s what I always think anyway. I’m dead in virtually every other sense. I’ve attempted suicide many times and like some cruel joke I am still here. I’ve been locked away alone for 4 years now, I have nobody, I really mean 0 people in my life. Pure isolation for years. I watch as human life unfolds and evolves beyond my walls, through a screen or from my window. I’m completely separated from humanity, it really gives you an odd perspective of the irrational nature of humans.

There’s no future, there’s no present. There’s only time, infinite time, it feels surreal, it feels like death. I do not feel human but rather something akin to a ghost, in a purgatory. Every morning I’m woken to physical pain and when I’m conscious I am suddenly flooded with darkness with that realisation. The cycle never stops repeating, over and over. I know there’s beauty in this world, I know there’s fleeting glimpses of joy to be had but if by some sheer chance they’re found then those moments are almost completely muted from the passing of time. It’s as if that’s my only orientation of time now.

Is what I’m experiencing actually really life? I can’t help but feel everyone else on earth is in some lower state of consciousness and acting out their life on autopilot and not knowing so. If I attempt to reach out there is never connection, so I’ve just given up. Their perspective is blind to my reality as mine is to theirs. A parody really, fall off and become isolated, attempt to rectify it and you’ve furthered your alienation. I hate every second that I’m aware of the passage of time.