Is My Therapist Right About My Husband?

Update: During my 2 hour session yesterday, my therapist told me this is the biggest case of psychological manipulation she's seen in her 60 years of life.

Emotional Abuse or Normal Marriage Problems?

I am so confused. My therapist says there a lot of red flags, but I'm still not quite convinced. Are these things normal marriage problems or is he emotionally abusive?

Postives: -He works so I can take care of myself, mentally, physically, emotionally....whatever is necessary -I can work if I want -He encourages me to be healthy and we have a YMCA membership so I can go to the gym -I am in charge of finances (his choice), so I tell him how much I need each week to pay the bills. If I need something more, he'll figure out a way. -He never hit me or swore at me or said I am stupid

Now the red flags my therapist sees: -I constantly defend him -He stepped out of our marriage (oral, hands) because we "agreed" it was okay in fantasies(I thought the agreeing was part of the fantasy...like we'd get to a point but never pass that line). That was a couple years ago, twice. He said he was trying to help bring the spark back to our marriage because he likes to see me so excited. There was one time he said he went all the way with a girl when he was in Mexico. I was so sad. Again, I thought he wouldn't pass the line of fantasy into reality. He JUST told me Friday (2 or 3 years later) that he lied about that just to finally be over with all the fantasies. He never did anything. - He encouraged me to talk with his friend while he was in Mexico a few years ago...to do things like phone sex and what not...just text...for 3 weeks...I'd fill him in on what was going on. The guy thought I was amazingly beautiful, and my husband does not (I'm overweight and he doesn't like overweight people). I blocked the guy when my husband returned because I didn't want to continue. Two months later, my husband tells me it was him, with a second number...there was never any other guy. He said he liked to see me so excited and couldn't control himself. Something took over him.

-He says basically I've ruined his 20's and 30's because he had to "take care of me emotionally". -He always gives a 2, 3, or 4 hour lectures about he's mad that he came here to build his mom a house in Mexico, but never did....he got married and had three kids instead and he could never focus on fulfilling his mom's wish of a house.

These lectures start with a cute story from memories in mexico, then he gets to the deep stuff about always having to take care of us, how I never lost weight, and how my lack of femininity takes away his peace. So it's 2,3 or 4 hours of letting me know basically how I make him miserable. It really hurts....it's very passive aggressive...he'll say it's his fault, but you don't feel that from how he expresses himself.

It's like constant stabs to the heart. It makes me so upset. I was anorexic and bulimic in high school, and now I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I never fully healed from that.

And when he met me, I had short hair (2007 style), was overweight and always wore sweatshorts and track shirts. I never wore make up at that time either. He compliments me only in how I look with makeup. "Wow, your eyes are gorgeous when you put mascara on","Its good to darken your brows", I love when you dye your hair black/dark brown.

What makes me hurt is that if I make his life miserable, I would have liked to enjoy doing so, but every day I wake up with a desire to be better for him and my family.

I'll be waiting for him to come home, showered, smelling good, make-up on, give him a hug and smile, but since he doesn't like what he sees and touches, it does not give him peace. He wants, "Ay mi amor, what a hard day you had. Are you wet from the rain? Let me get your shower started for you mi amor and grab your clothes. I can stay with you while you shower so we can talk if you'd like, mi amor. Then I'll give you a massage." This is not me. I am sweet, but I am me. I've always tried being someone I'm not. I think my therapist noticed that as soon as she met me...she wasn't convinced.

I asked him the other day if I could be his friend on social media (I've never been), he said, "Would that solve your problems? If so, fine," . I requested him as a friend and he denied me.

Many times after the lectures, I am so drained and depressed, that I've almost attempted to take my life...not as an act in front of him for attention either.

He says that all men desire a nice looking woman....that it's not about intelligence or anything, and if they say otherwise, they are a p***y and know they can't get anything better

So my way of thinking is, 1)the fantasies were partially my fault, so I can't blame him, plus they were a few years ago. 2)he doesn't want me to be his friend on social media because he does t like everyone knowing about his personal life (wife and kids) 3)as a mexican he longs for that ultra feminine woman 4)any guy would like their woman to be in shape