I can’t handle it CW CSA trafficking

I’m going fucking insane. How can I be so deadly calm on the outside and internally erupting at the same time? I’m paranoid nobody believes me, that they think I am lying, as if I want such strange abuse as my history. I am lying to myself, sometimes, I think, that no no no of course it is too extravagant, too extreme. At the same time it seems laughably cliche. I will actually start laughing because of the stress of feeling so fucking insane. Remembering things like being transported in different vehicles, trucks, limousines with carpet, going to gas stations to meet up/use pay phones and car phones. I am so triggered lately by traveling. This was in the 90’s so these methods of communication and distribution would work, but it making sense always makes me suspicious as well, how does that even work out in my brain??

I remember the clearing in the forest, how they brought me to trailers off the road to dress me up in outfits and take pictures of me, then nude pictures, then they sent me outside in the winter cold because they wanted pictures of me uncomfortable and upset too. :( and they made me run around “to warm up” while they were laughing at me and only when I was too tired to stop crying were they annoyed enough to give me my clothes back. These are the memories that hurt the most somehow—the sex and torture I have only glimpses of—but there was always an aspect of humiliation and dehumanization at the core of everything they used me for. The men who got off on my body because they liked to fuck children are fucking gross but I think the men who got off fucking with my mind and who did not actually care about my body are true monsters to me.