It’s dark.

Trying to unwind and watch tv. Can’t conscience reading the Bible at the moment; need quick and meaningful peace. Already feel okay about my standing with God.

Turn on the tv. It’s “Evil”, the procedural on Netflix. Combining themes of faith and conscience, maybe it will be good for me. I turn it on. Maybe here peace will come, if only for a few hours, as I try to put distance between myself and my problems.

But the show isn’t above board. It’s absurd. The main characters are woke, and hate the racism or sexism in the Catholic Church. Everywhere, there seems to be the glowing neon sign: “being secular is normal; being godly is weird.”

And so I find no real peace there. But unsure of what to do, I let the show continue in the background.

I guess, when it comes down to it, I’m looking for quick answers. Answers about my dreams, about why they are so vivid and so frequently seem like rebukes. I’m looking for camaraderie.

But I can’t help but feel that I’m being infested by something more sinister than a lack of faith. It is the dogma of faith I don’t recognize.

I feel as if this world is dark. I can’t handle the darkness. Does this mean I am a coward?

Regardless, I can’t just keep my nose in the Bible all the time — can I? Don’t I need to breathe fresh air every now and then? Don’t I deserve to not live in constant trepidation, uncertainty, and confusion, such as besets me when I read the Bible with the same earnestness with which I sat down to watch this show?