I Don't Know What My Wife's Boobs Look Like

My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years. We have had sex less than 50 times, which we attribute to her hormonal birth control causing low libido. When we do have sex, it's always missionary with her motionless on bottom, in the dark, and she keeps her shirt on (pulling it down if I try to pull it up). I've tried to help with her insecurity but she doesn't like it. I've tried asking her what I could do to make it better but she always says she'll think about it and then never tell me. I'd like to think I'm unselfish in bed since there's unreciprocating oral and sometimes she doesn't want to continue on after that. I respect her boundaries and want her to feel comfortable so I have stopped pushing for anything more.

When I'm really erotically charged, I will ask if she's down, and she'll usually say yes, but I know she's just saying that and going through the motions so I don't "get it somewhere else" (her words). However, I really don't want to have sex with someone that doesn't want to, even though I have selfishly given in basically every time.

Now for the title explanation. I reluctantly and guiltily started watching porn occasionally because I have a fairly high sex drive, coupled with a few fantasies, and sometimes need a release. One time while I was scrolling for something to watch, I came across a picture ad with a topless woman. Before I scrolled up to see the face, I knew exactly who it was. I don't follow any specific nude model or pornstar, and have only seen this woman a handful of times. In and of itself, not a big deal, but it got me thinking, "I couldn't pick my wife's boobs out of a lineup". I have seen my wife naked, but not voluntarily. My thought quickly led to, "I know a pornstar's boobs better than my wife's" which was disheartening to hear myself think.

There's more to a relationship than sex, and I do love her in spite of my unquenched, selfish desires, but physical intimacy is even more important to me than I had realized before we got married. We'll be fine, as we've been through worse, but I wanted to get this off my chest.

EDIT: I wasn't expecting this much traction so thank you for the rewards, DMs, and comments. I've read most of them but I figured I would clarify a few things and add some more info here.

First and foremost, I wrote this in a demoralize emotional state which may have skewed what I wrote. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I love her dearly and I don't want to be with anyone else; I'm determined to stick it out and make it work.

Now the biggest key I forgot to mention is we were both raised in conservative Christian homes/communities and practiced abstinence which we both have fully acknowledged as influencing our sexuality. That is why we didn't know our sexual compatibility beforehand. Regardless, we're still figuring out our individual and joint spirituality, and I know we're in the minority here so please continue to be respectful.

The title seems to be read as "I've never seen her boobs", when what I meant was what I said later: "I couldn't pick them out of a lineup" (i.e. I haven't looked long enough or often enough to really know the details that define them, if that makes sense). She will change when I'm in the room, but always turns her back towards me. I've hopped in the shower with her, but she will subtly cover her chest and the encounter is not sexual by any means.

She has been using hormonal IUDs since just before we got married. The reasoning was it being the highest efficacy against pregnancy. I support her in this decision since it's her body and we are not ready to have children. I doubt she would have hidden other medical issues she could be using it for but it's possible I suppose. Since it has one of, if not, the highest efficacy, we haven't tried to use anything else.

I would like to clarify that we don't believe her BC is the only reason she has a low libido. There are multiple things that could be factoring in like her high stress job, her self esteem, something to do with me, etc. Many of you have also pointed out sexual assault, which is valid. I haven't been made aware of anything, but I want to find out (caringly of course).

This leads me to my final point after a long-winded edit: I have consider that she might be asexual. She is less likely a lesbian (I am unable to verbalize my thoughts on why right now), but still possible.

Finally, thank you all for reassuring me that this is not all my fault. I tend to do a lot of self-blaming in general, and though I might effect how she feels towards sex, I am personally not responsible for her emotions.

I am planning to talk to her more directly and in depth this week and learn why she is self conscious of her breasts and why she feels her sexual drive is so low. I'm also going to consider counseling for both of us as the majority of you have mentioned to help iron out these sexual wrinkles. I'll keep you updated!

UPDATE: We had a long talk and she opened up and explained how she had been sexually abused and raped prior to us dating. I had no idea and now I feel awful... She went to professional counseling afterwards (prior to dating) which I did know about but I was told it was for a different disorder (which was a part of it, but not the whole story). So yeah, now I'm the jerk for pushing for sex and for not asking her directly about her hold-ups years ago.

Thank you all for the help and courage to talk to her. We will be seeking more counseling and we have a better plan for our sex life going forward.