I absolute hate being gay.

I feel like an asshole writing this.

I (15M) hate being gay. I get random outburst of self-hatred and misery and I'm having on right now. I live in the suburbs, my family and friends accept me, I get almost anything I want. Except being straight.

The one thing I cannot fix I'm cursed with.

I hate seeing friends groups of guys walking around, laughing at stupid jokes. Why can't that be me? I hate falling for these straight guys I cannot get over. I've been stuck on three guys since sixth grade, why do I still like these guys who hate me for liking them? When I think I'm getting over them, there name gets mentioned and its just like I saw them yesterday. I envy my female friends, dating there boyfriends. Why can't that be me?

I hate the fact I cannot have kids. I want their mother in their life but how could that be? I want biological kids, but at what cost?

I resent it. I resent it all. Tonight I thought about him again and I felt joy and misery. Why is this me? Why can't I be normal? I have one life and this is it?

PS: this is not hate towards gay people. This is just me venting. The struggle is real.