I am obsessed and can't stop fantasizing about him, it's ruining my life but I don't want help.

Very long rant about me losing my mind over a guy incoming..

I'm in a situation that I'd never thought I'd be in but yes, I think I have an obsession. A few months back I joined a workshop in a new environment, a man approached me pronouncing my FULL NAME correctly with a warm greeting. Now I didn't remember him and I still don't plus I always introduce myself with my nickname - a shorter version because the full version is very difficult to pronounce. Needless to say I was pleased that he remembered and made an effort, told me we met at another event that happened 3 months prior, still till this day I can't remember ever meeting him before the workshop.

Something happened to me that day, my period was approaching so I was clearly not in my most logical mindset, it was like something was awaken. I started FANTASIZING about this man in broad daylight when he was sitting right next to me in the most formal setting ever. Don't know how many times I excused myself to wash my face, nothing worked. We were to have 2 more sessions then be done with it so I told myself okay I'll never see him again and naturally I'll forget this ever happened. It'll be buried in my brain as an embarrassing secret, right?

Wrong, I dreamt about him every single night till the next two sessions and continued the same fantasizing routine during the workshops. At this point I realized that this was getting out of hand because it wasn't only in my head anymore. We have recordings from the workshops for us to view later on and I started watching those videos zoomed on him ON REPEAT. I memorized his every move, his expressions, his laugh and his voice, the way he drinks water then uses his left hand to massage his throat, the whole shebang... This has never happened to me in my life, I felt like a perverted stalker.

Obviously it got worse from here because I tried meeting him, creating settings where we'd be in the same place at the same time but only worked once where we had dinner with a small group. I thought I'd pass out when he walked past me with a smile, he's a cheerful regular guy what're ya gonna do.. Said to myself okay time will help me get over it but nope it's been 4 months already and I still can't stop. I masturbate thinking about him and I think that might be the only time during the day that I feel happy.

Now you might be thinking, shoot your shot but no here comes the god damn cherry on top, I'm married.. We've been together for almost 10 years and married for 6.. We're going through a hard time right now but before you decide that's the reason for my obsession no, we were actually okay when this all first started.

I don't know what to do, I can never ask for help and frankly I don't want help. I'm happy with my scenarios, as sick as it sounds I don't want him, I want the idealized version of him I created and that's impossible.

Now that it's out of my chest maybe a little public hate and disgust will put some sense into my thick skull.