My unsuccessful 2 States story
*** 2 States Personal Story ***
*** South/ (Apparently) North relationship ***
I'm an Indian girl working in the US. This is my experience of dating a Tamil Brahmin guy from Chennai. I am born and raised in Mumbai, and caste is something I remotely did not have to worry or think about as I ventured through life in India.
I wrote '(Apparently) North' in the title above because I came to know after mingling with Indian folks from South India in the US that they consider anyone from the north of Andhra Pradesh/ Telangana as a North Indian. Doesn't make sense to me geographically but I think it's similar to 'beyond the wall' (GoT reference).
I have been dating this guy for more than 3 years now. I have come to realize that his education (MS in US) and all the exposure to western culture fell short when we had to take the relationship to the next level.
His parents are from orthodox Brahmin family, and they very well know about me. I have met his mom as well. Our relationship has been going through a rough patch the last couple of months due to visa struggles. We finally came to a common ground wrt how we navigate this hurdle together.
I'm a non vegetarian, and he used to eat non vegetarian too when we started dating. He was well aware of what I was bringing to the table (non-Tamil, non-Brahmin, non-vegetarian). We enjoyed being with each other, bringing the best in each other and supporting through the struggles of adult immigrant life. In the last year, due to health reasons, he switched to being a strict vegetarian (with a non-spicy diet). I have no issues with that, and I communicated it to him that I will be there to support him throughout the future, and I'll cook and eat non-vegetarian food, as I wish. For example, as a family we eat 5 vegetarian dishes, and there would be a 6th non-vegetarian dish that I will consume. Growing up, my mom always made sure we eat whatever is cooked. There are no Ifs and Buts. We eat everything that's cooked, and that's the philosophy I would take into my marriage as well.
Yesterday as we were discussing few other future scenarios, and cases wrt our future, he asked me valid questions such as "what would happen if his mom visits us in the US? What happens to your non-vegetarian diet then?" I said I'm okay to eat vegetarian diet as long as his mother stays with us. I also added that I'll have the same expectation when my parents visit us.
He then asks me "what happens when both the sets of parents overlap their stay in our homes." I responded saying that we have to make sure the overlap is minimal (couple of weeks) and that when the overlap happens, my parents will adhere to a vegetarian diet out of respect for his parents.
The final straw that broke the camel's back was when I asked him about the future kids. He said during pregnancy his mom would like to visit, and non-vegetarian diet would be a place of contention. I responded saying that as a pregnant woman, my side of the family should be given priority and things that are natural to me should be provided to me in daily diet.
He said he wants the future kid to be raised vegetarian. His reasoning to this was that the 'grandmom wouldn't like if the grandkid is consuming meat'. I have adjusted a lot in this relationship and hearing this hit the final nail in the coffin. He justified it further saying that vegetarian diet provides all the nutrients (False - Vitamin B12 is not available through plant diet at all). He says further that all the men in his family have tummy issues, and it might affect the future kids too. I say if that's what we realize after the kids consume non-veg, we stop the diet. I'm not going to eliminate a food group, more so because it represents my culture and my identity.
For reference, I belong to that community in India where fish is our staple. He further added saying milestone events in the future will have challenges. For example, weddings where Tamilians do not eat non-vegetarian. I provided a solution to this saying we have two different events. He tells me further his parents won't attend the events where non-veg is served.
I was baffled at this statement and I asked him if he's just assuming these things or are his parents really that irrational/stubborn. He says he'll ask his parents what would they do, and get back to me. I told him he needs to make peace with the idea of non-vegetarian food being there as long as I'm there in the future, be it daily life or events. If he doesn't make peace with it, there's no point asking staunch Brahmins these questions. Their response would be a no-brainer NO. It's how we navigate through these challenges now and in the future together so that we make everyone the least disappointed in such scenarios.
To this, he replied saying that these are very practical hurdles he's bringing up that could cause disappointments to atleast one party (me, him or his mom) in the future. He apologized to me for his 'oversight'. I said a sorry isn't gonna cut my efforts and time in this relationship. I said he shouldn't have been so liberal in dating if now he just wants to succumb to his traditions and basically wanting a Tamil Brahmin abiding rituals and customs abiding wife.
If you have read the post this far, I would want to hear from the subreddit what they think of my situation?
1) What's with the mindset of the such orthodox people still riding high on their castes that don't even matter in the US? Hell, this guy is an engineer and by that reason, he should definitely change his caste now 😏
2) To all the girls who are young (20s) - If you're dating someone from South India, please be very mindful of these prejudices that still exist there. The guy could be all educated, and liberal in his thoughts- but when push comes to shove, they all will become mumma's boys and still stuck in their casteist ideologies.
3) A guy could be very liberal, but if his upper generation (parents) isn't liberal, it's not gonna cut it. 3 years of dating, 7 years of living in the US isn't strong enough to cut through the mindset of 21 years of upbringing.
4) Lastly, girls of this generation are wayyy stronger mentally, emotional than the guys. We are a brave lot and we definitely shouldn't settle for a guy who doesn't have the balls to own up to his actions.