The 3 biggest lies ever told

Back in the day, there was a joke that went like:

What are the 3 biggest lies ever told?

• The check is in the mail.
• I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
• Of course I'll still respect you in the morning!

Now that Uber exists, I feel like it's time for an update, starting with:

• This will not affect your cancellation rate.

What else?