Lost

You’re not making this easy.

Seriously. What am I meant to do? Pretend I’m okay with this?

I could try to block you out. But you know that’s only ever worked in theory. I could try my best to move on. But I’ve never gone past the starting line.

I could pretend this is okay. I could pretend everything is just fine and I want nothing more. But you know damn well that this is torture to me.

I could never hate or even kind of dislike you. But I can’t have you. But these feelings of love and desperation just won’t stop. And the more successful I am at ignoring them, the closer you get. Is it subconscious? The universe playing a cruel joke?

Your eyes and smile have always been a map home. But whenever I got close, you changed direction. And you’d never let me close enough to touch. But it’s all I want. No matter how desperately I’ve tried to ignore it.

I’m not that old. I should be experimenting and having fun. There are so many people in this world. One of them has to make me feel better than you. Right?

Right?

I don’t know. You made me question everything. In the years I should be partying and discovering myself, I’m laying in bed on a Friday night staring at my ceiling.

What’s my purpose? Where is this going? Is there any way I make it out of this alive?

Will I ever genuinely smile again?

I’m just so. So. Lost.