She is almost dead

Dear ******,

We dated for almost two years. I know I was your first kiss, your first girlfriend, your first time, your first everything. I know you were 20, and you wanted the youthful college experience of sleeping around and dating a bunch of girls. Even knowing that I still love you. Not the "we are dating" type of love, the "I think you are an amazing person and I understand this is what will make you happy, so I will always be there for you when you need me" type of love. The "you deserve everything the world has to offer and I hope that when you go to sleep at night you are smiling" kind of love. Even now, I don't blame you for leaving because I wouldn't have wanted you to feel trapped or unhappy. I get that every day that passed was one where you wondered if you were making the right choice without having any other comparisons, scared, unsure, lost, and confused. After the breakup, you lied and omitted information, and said some of the most hurtful words, but I was clingy, and obsessive and disregarded a lot of boundaries for 3 months. We both made mistakes. But I don't think you ever grasped how this whole experience was for me, and I would never try to sit you down and tell you in real life when I know you are happy with someone else. I genuinely love that for you. I just want to lay it all out here, I think after that I will feel completely at ease.

The truth is when I found out about the other girls and realized that you were ready for relationships mentally (I decided to try only being friends before this out of respect for your mental health needs) I looked past the hookups and the dates you had and knew I still wanted you in my life. I went out and bought a birthday gift where every component was something sentimental and a tribute of our time together. Your favorite coffee I would always buy and surprise you with, a birthday cake protein shake because you love the gym, muji stationery and notebooks for your art, mini chess set because we played it when we first met, the chocolate my dad gave me that we ate while I slept over at your place our first holiday, the shortbread cookies you gifted me two days before breaking up with me, some gifts for your sister who was visiting the U.S., and more that I can't even remember. I asked if you were free on November 22nd, do you remember that? If I could walk over to your dorm to give you your birthday gift. You and I didn't know it but this question, this day, is where our lives came to a crossroads. If you had said yes, I was going to march to your place and confess how I know you had done all of these things and that you were unsure because I was your first, but I loved you and would continue to love and cherish you for as long as you'd let me. Show you the gifts and explain that we had made all of these memories together and I just know that we could live such a great and adventure-filled life if only you'd give this another chance. You said no, that you were busy getting a haircut and then going to the club with your friends.

The next day at my shared birthday party which I had invited you to (the other person didn't have you on the guest list out of respect for me), I got the pleasure of finding out that you were with the "friend you are not attracted to whatsoever and will never have any interest in", and you both got drunk, and she asked you out, and you said yes. I went home and wrote a card saying how much I care about you as a friend and how I would support you in whatever journey made you happy, told you to come to my place the next morning, and handed it to you with the gift and the excuse that it was a lot, but it was something I bought a long time ago while we were still dating. This was the day you told me that "our relationship was good, but you wanted to see if there was better." I was devastated, and heartbroken, but after the anger faded there was not a single ounce of bitterness or malice in my thoughts. After all that, genuinely, the only thoughts in my head were "You are so amazing and I want you to be happy, so if dating her instead is what you want then I will support it and try my best to get over you and eventually be just your friend." "I care about you so much and if you were ever in trouble or even just needed to talk I would still lend an ear." And most disrespectful to myself of all, "Maybe he'll realize he liked me more and want to try again." I created a new philosophy.

All of our time together built a certain amount of love for you in my heart. I can't snap my fingers and make it disappear, but I will feel the negative emotions as they come, and as time passes it will lessen. I will keep this spot in my heart reserved for you for as long as I have it, and I will forgive even this and try again if you come back under certain conditions. I wouldn't accept her breaking up with you and then you crawling back to me as the second choice. But it is understandable you left out of fear because I was indeed your only partner at a time when people start deciding who they want to spend the rest of their lives with. You would need to realize on your own without any of my intervention that all of the new experiences you made were not what you wanted. That you had tried them, but in doing so realized that it was the greatest mistake of your life, that you now saw the same value and rarity in our relationship that I did. Were sure you would die with no regrets if we spent our remaining time from the most mundane days to our greatest adventures together. I am more than aware that this will never happen, but I don't want to pretend that the girl with this love in her heart doesn't exist. I know that one day, the girl with the vacant spot in her heart will die, that the love and emotions I am letting naturally ebb and flow will completely drain away. But I didn't want to lie to myself and say that this little spot isn't there because it is. It is a part of me and I am not going to suppress it or hate it. It is okay to still feel this way, it is natural because I truly unconditionally love you.

You didn't notice but every day after I sent that "goodbye" email I put down a block to build the foundation of a girl who would be completely content and fulfilled with herself. I took this break as a chance to discover all of the positive things I have going for me outside of a relationship in my life. I love myself now, I am beautiful, funny, smart, and confident; once intimidating things barely phase me anymore. I love my friends and am putting in time to become closer to all of them. Outside of a recent medical issue that messed up some eating and sleeping (which I am getting treated) my mental health and emotional regulation are ironclad, my identity is rock solid, my belief system is sound, and I have a newfound love for the world. I'm building relationships with my family and finding joy and love in my home, a place that used to be the largest strain on my mental health. I never once thought of these changes as revenge or in spite of you leaving, but rather was really proud of them and hoped one day I would get the chance to show you how far I've come. That one day I could use these newfound tools to build an even stronger and healthier bond with you. I was not delusional though, I always assumed that you were perfectly content in your new relationship and this was never going to happen, and I was more than comfortable with the idea of never being with you again. Not by distracting myself with another person I knew I was not ready for, but by learning how to be happy by myself.

I liked the new dynamic of me letting you be and only responding to the times when you wanted to reach out. My love for you as a partner is almost completely gone, that spot in my heart is barely open, but even when it completely disappears I have always cared for and loved you as a person. I would want to be as close to you as you wanted me in your life. My romantic love and love for you as a person have always been completely separate. I liked being a friend, but until more time has passed and we both truly moved on, one that would only be there when called upon. But every time that you have assumed that I was hung up on your girlfriend, that you said I could confide in you and then after hearing it get weirded out and withdraw, when you act in a way that shows you have no regard or respect for me as a person, my love for you as a person dies. My care for you as a human being at all dies. It has been dying at a rapid rate. At this moment, enough time has passed where my romantic love is almost drained which is good and what I wanted, but simultaneously my interactions with you have butchered and maimed almost all of the positive light that I viewed you in. You are almost no longer the same person I would have cared for and supported unconditionally in life, but even still I am almost certain that this is a protective outer persona you have draped around yourself in a time of great struggle. I have a feeling you aren't doing the best right now mentally and I am truly very worried for you, I wish you the best. You know you can always reach out if you aren't, no matter what has gone on in the past.

I love my past self, the one who will love and support you unconditionally. But unless something changes or I find out that these actions really are a protective shield from the world I know that very soon she will be completely dead. I know you'll never read this but if fate somehow brought you here and you made it through the whole thing, if you did indeed resonate with any of these words, I would act pretty quickly. You have something so rare: someone who wholeheartedly and unconditionally loves you. Not the "I love you because you are family" love, or the "I love you romantically because you are my partner" love, or the "I love you platonically because you are a good friend" love. I love you as a person unconditionally, no matter what. Even after everything we both know has occurred during the breakup I still love you, you can make the most horrific mistake and that would never break this love for you. And this isn't easy on me, it is not something I enjoyed developing. It is completely raw and vulnerable and it lets you feel the greatest passion but hits you with the deepest sorrow. It is the most cherished but weakest part of me.

Don't misinterpret this, it is not out of insecurity or low self-worth. I love myself and know I can easily meet someone else who will love and cherish me and do all the things in a relationship that you did. It is not out of idealization or romanticization either. We both have our negative characteristics and the relationship was far from perfect. But I have to acknowledge that after spending time with you and getting to know the beautiful and flawed person you are, I love you and would want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you. And at some point, you had seen the best and worst of me and said that you loved me too. Against all rhyme or reason I, as someone who was taught since birth that vulnerability is weakness and love isn't real, feel a love for you with no terms and conditions, one that is given even when nothing is to be gained by the giver. I wish someone felt that for me. But with the way things are going now, she is almost dead.

This is my last letter to you,

Me

P.S. I know you are in a happy relationship and do not have an ounce of love for me anymore. It is great that you found someone and I hope it goes well. These are unrequited feelings and it is also why this will always remain unsent. You don't know I post on Reddit, nevertheless this specific subreddit. You don't even use Reddit. This is just a final diary entry, meant only for me.