You're someone else again

I don't who I'm writing this letter to. Am I writing it to you, the one that's warm and kind, that makes me laugh? The one that remembers the little things, like what I wore when we first met? The one that calls me every morning if I'm not doing well?

Or am I writing this letter to you, the one that makes me wonder if that other person is just my imagination? The one that's cold, quiet, dismissive? The one that talks to me like I'm just... a coworker or some family member you haven't seen in two years? The one that suddenly disappears?

There's so many questions in all those words but that's all that you leave me with. I only have questions, I feel like I don't know anything for certain. The moment that I feel like I see you, you become someone else again. I don't know if you are the one I can turn to when I'm hurt or if you're the one that will inevitably hurt me in the worst way. I don't know if you love me or just love that I love you. I don't know if you are scared or just don't really care that much.

Can I write two letters, then? To both of you?

I want to write you that I love you. I want to write you that you should stay away from me. I want to hide in your arms and I want to run the other way. I want to call you and I want to delete your number. I want to kiss you and I want to cry.