I hate myself, what do I even do

The rejection and the isolation that I have received throughout my life has altered my perception of social interaction between new people. I am a social person and I love meeting and talking to new people. There is just something that holds me back and keeps me questioning what is wrong with me. When I grew up I moved around a lot and I never felt normal. This feeling of not belonging really took hold in 4th grade. After years of no friends and isolation I finally had a chance to make friends. When I walked through those doors for the first day I never felt more alone. I was so different. I was so weird to them I didn’t belong as much as I should have I never belonged and I never have. The bullying I endured should not be forced upon any child that wasn’t even old enough to understand what depression is. This feeling of being ostracized by the people around me made myself want to die. A 4th grader wanted to die and that feeling of yearning escape from feeling so different and so weird never left. I always got looked at like some freak that didn’t deserve the time to even get to know him. I slammed my fists against my body I slammed my head against the wall hoping that I would hit myself enough for it to stop. I would smash my fingers with the hammer that would sit under my bed and I would wish that it would all just end. I tried so many things to make people like me, I said nice things I tried to understand where they were coming from I tried to do anything to just get them to like me and it never worked and I never understood why no one liked me. What made me so unlikable that people would beat me down verbally and physically. As I grew up I adapted socially to a degree but it was never enough for those around me. I never had the ability to talk to others without sweaty palms and a shaky voice. I wished to be like those who so easily got along with everyone. After covid I was bullied from behind my back. My teachers, classmates, and family thought I was weird. I would paint my nails and dress in dark clothes, finally fitting in with the weird kids. And then I snapped, I realized what I needed to do to be liked and “popular” and I did it. It turned me into a dirtbag piece of garbage who treated my friends and those around me in no way that they deserved. I felt so powerful, I was looked at as normal. Everyone called me cool everyone found me attractive but deep down I hated who I became. I wasn’t myself I stopped talking about things that interested me I stopped talking to the people who initially accepted me for who I was. I changed things my senior year of high school and I feel like I’m finally myself but I hate myself. I wish that I didn’t hate myself I wish I could just be normal. I am in college now and I can’t make friends anymore the flashbacks of what happened just reflect in my mind. This isn’t helped by the fact that I feel so disconnected by my family. My parents and brother are so religious and hate the idea of gay people and I am gay. I have not told them and I never will because they would hate me. My parents say that they love me but they don’t because I have made a perfect version of myself so they loved me and accepted me.