My Poor Baby....

My family's little dog died yesterday. She was only a year old, we were trying to be responsible by taking her to the vet to get her fixed and microchipped, we paid nearly 1000 to get her the best treatment we could. The vet said the surgery went normal and when she woke up she seemed okay, but then suddenly got some kind of heart attack (??!). My head has been reeling ever since I got the news. I think I almost threw up.

She was so sweet. She was always so affectionate. I think she was the first animal I (and my family) raised from a very young age. The time she came into our lives was very impactful for me as it had been a month after my mental health crisis, so I felt the love from her so strongly. Immediately after she came to us, the entire household was enamored. She was constantly spoiled and babied, and she even slept with us. And now she's just...

It was so sudden too, the morning before we took her for surgery she was her usual happy self. She opened my bedroom door and asked the pet her and then she proceeded to nip on my fingers playfully like she always does. Only for me to see her as a corpse hours later. (I really wish I hadn't seen her body, the image of it haunts my mind). I regret my final morning with her. That morning I didn't feed her because you aren't supposed to before an operation. She kept crying to me and even nearly jumped onto the kitchen counter to grab a sandwich I was making despite only being a foot long because she was so hungry. Her last memories of me were of me depriving her of food for reasons she didn't understand...

To make matters worse I robbed myself of time with her. It was my first day of classes for the new semester, so I was extremely anxious and was mostly focused on being ready for school. Although i picked her up and hugged and kissed her when she came to wake me up, I should've done it more. I left a half hour earlier than I needed to because I usually go to campus an hour earlier. Going early was all for nothing, most of the buildings were closed so I sat in the cold. That half hour could've been spent with my baby... I didn't even think to kiss or hug her before I left because I was scared of not catching the bus.

When I got to the school my mom texted me, saying she was really scared once she was dropped off at the vet. She died alone..hungry..scared and probably thinking I hated her. She deserved so much better, she deserved a long and happy life. She wasn't suffering before, she was perfectly healthy, and she didn't need to die..I'm just completely struck down by this, in 8 hours I have to attend even more classes and pretend to be fine plus I have online homework to finish and I don't feel sure of my capacity to do this.

I can barely even sleep because laying down on my bed, just makes me think of how whenever I'd do so, she would open my door and curl her tiny body up against mine. Now I feel the absence of her warmth, it feels so cold, I can't fall asleep without thinking of that and sobbing. It's been less than a day and I miss her so fucking much. I don't know how to make the first few days easier, this just feels like hell and I would give anything to make it stop.