5 years down the drain

My partner and i have been together for 5 years, lived together for 3. We are in our early 20s. For the past year i have been seriously desiring marriage. In our daily routine, not much would change. We already operate as if we are married, which is probably a mistake.

We share finances, he contributes about 60% and I do 40%. We both work full time and he works night, i work early morning. We hardly see each other for the last 2.5 years. I tried to work nights but it doesn’t work for me. I do most of the domestic labor.

When my friends and family ask about our plans for marriage and i have nothing to tell them, i feel so embarrassed. In fact, i always tell them “hahaha go ask my partner”. They all like him, and his family and friends like me too. They all think we’re super young so there’s no rush. But my grandparents love him especially, and always call him my husband.

To be honest i kept pressuring him about marriage and talk about plans for children. (In fact i pressured him for a ring when we were 19. He got me a promise ring and when people asked “promise what” he would shrug.) He never initiated the conversations about our future and he sometimes would outright tell me to stop talking about it. He would say it’s too soon and I shouldn’t worry about it right now. I told him I wanted to be a stay at home mom one day and when his mom found out she laughed in my face and told me “in your dreams”. I told him numerous times how much that hurt me and he apologized but didn’t change the situation.

But eventually he agreed to marry me. We agreed we didn’t want a wedding. We would just get married at the courthouse. I had to beg him to tell his mom. He waited so long to tell her. We both picked a day and we were going to plan a small party. However after the idea was set and marked in the calendar he never made any conversation about it. Never was interested in planning the party. So I just didn’t. Then the date was approaching and he told me he couldn’t get off of work. Then the date passed and it’s been 4 months since.

There is a lack of emotional availability between us. We rarely have meaningful conversations especially if I don’t initiate it. The intimacy is constantly waxing and waning. We don’t share a religion and don’t have many common interests. I feel so over this emotionally. I have already tried to break up with him twice over the course of our relationship and I just didn’t stick to it, I guess cause I didn’t want to be alone.

Because he isn’t a bad guy, he’s really nice and I feel very safe and comfortable with him. He has many good qualities and he’s very attractive. Based on my observations of other relationships we have it great in comparison.

And it’s so awkward to think about if I break up with him, we have to finish our lease, and we have a big vacation planned & already paid for, and everybody gets to see that our 5 year relationship failed. We have shared finances and investments. I have no family to live with.

Any support or advice would be appreciated <3