Update

Here’s my original post if you wanna read it. Idk how to add an update there so you could see it. Idk how to really use Reddit I’ve had an account for years but just not got into it lol

https://www.reddit.com/r/Wellbutrin_Bupropion/s/NyXDTKibXy

Since my last post, things are staring to turn around I think. I’ve had some more good days and my mind feels clearer and happier. I kinda wish I felt like I did when I was Celexa 5 years ago but I know being numb to the world isn’t good.

I hate to say I’m feeling better out loud because everytime I do something triggers me and puts me in a dark spot again. I know this medicine isn’t suppose to make it go away but I was hoping it would go away 80-95% of the time. I still get very irritated easily. I’m not sure if it’s a depression thing, a Wellbutrin thing or I’m just an awful person with no patience.

I also still haven’t gotten my spark back into writing. (I write fanfiction as a hobby and for this whole past year bascially I just haven’t had it in me to write as much as I want. I still get things posted but only 2-3 chapters a year isn’t it for me lol. All of the ideas are there but I can’t get them out or motivate myself to do it. Idk if it’s a depression thing, me sucking at time management, me being mentally tired due to work or im lazy. Because I want to do it so bad but I just can’t get to do it as much as I can)

This week will be officially a month into my new dose (300mg) and I still have 0 idea on what to tell the doctor. She wants an update from me at 6 weeks. I know a lot of you have said it takes 2-4 months to really determine how you feel after a dose change and I just feel pressure on myself to get this figured out and not be like this. I’m really scared to add Effexor to my regime of medicine but part of me is like fuck it like maybe I should try it because idk what else to do anymore.

I just feel like an awful daughter. I feel awful when I argue with my mom and yell at her. Everytime I do it I instantly regret it and I feel like I’m crazy because I shouldn’t be like this with my only living parent. My family members just tell me to ignore my mom yelling at me or treating me bad and I’m sorry I refuse to let someone treat me bad idc who you are. Maybe that’s what yall did back in the day with your relatives but I’m not doing that.

I feel like an awful person because I don’t wanna fucking take care of a parent I’m not even 30 years old yet. I didn’t sign up for this, I can’t go out, I can’t have fun really and I feel like if I do something fun I get shamed for it because “you should be with your mom” And just typing this out makes me look like a fucking awful person that’s a shitty person too.

Like I should be grateful she’s alive because most people don’t have parents. I’m so grateful she’s alive everyday and i want her alive and fight to keep her alive. I guess I’m just grieving the life I thought I’d have and I guess I’m struggling with being a caretaker.

I just wish my mom would treat me better. Most days she’s wonderful and the only person I really trust but lately we are arguing every day just about. I feel pressure in my head that I have to take care of her and not bitch and not complain because society says kids have to do this, no questions asked, especially if you are a daughter. I’m an only child so I have 0 support from siblings (I have a much older sister from my dad but that’s another story for another day) Idk how you are suppose to work any job, part time or full time and take care of someone in America today. You just fucking can’t.

And I hate being depressed and having anxiety because I feel like I don’t have enough trauma or my life can’t be that bad to feel like this (again many family members tell me others have it worse then me and they don’t know why I’m like this. And my mom blames herself and that’s why I don’t tell her anything about my mental health because she’ll get shitty and blame herself and I’m tired of hearing it.

All of this ranting and trauma dumping to say, I’m starting to see the cloud slowly go away but like when my mom and I have an argument or something happens at work or a family member makes a comment it brings me back to a dark place and I feel like I’m at square one again. Also idk what it is about night time but that triggers the bad thoughts and sadness for me. Not sure why.

I’ll try and give another update in a few weeks and what I tell my doctor.