I’m told I’m a narcissist / huge fight over not doing laundry

Is this common for an abuser to say about you? I genuinely don’t see myself that way unless I’m so narcissistic I won’t consider it?

He says I’m narcissistic because I always get defensive when he brings up how he feels and make it about myself. I try not to do that, and if it seems I’m defensive it’s because I feel constantly criticized by him. Then I have “no empathy” because I’m quiet and come off cold when I can’t handle the conflict.

Last night we got into a really bad fight because he asked if I could do his laundry and I said I would but didn’t end up doing it before I left for the day. He said it wasn’t as much about laundry but he felt blown off by me. I apologized but was honestly a little frustrated that he was mad at me for something he could do himself. Does that make me rude?

Anyway, when we talked about it in person last night it blew up quickly. He jumped out of bed and started screaming in my face. He wouldn’t let me leave the room. I got called a bitch, cunt and r*tard several times. That I have mental issues. He said that he needed to be in control of the conversation. If I said anything I was told to shut the fuck up. “Do you know how to shut your mouth???” Over and over again. He wouldn’t let me leave. He held me down on the bed by getting on top of me and holding my wrists. He said it was immature and avoidant to try and leave the situation and I needed to make him feel heard first. I told him I can’t do that while I’m being screamed at and he said it was all a reaction to how I made him feel and I could have handled it differently so it would’ve never happened. He gets absolutely furious if I tell him he’s in control of his own actions. Then he says “then you can control how you treat me and I wouldn’t react this way.”

He towered over me with his fists clenched and said he was going to beat me up, then came at me and grabbed me and held me down. Now he says he’s sorry for scaring me and for intimidating me and asked if I’m sorry too. He cried all morning and said how scared he is of losing me. He’s suggesting couples counseling but after reading how damaging that can be I have no interest and not sure how to tell him.