My bf put his hands around my neck

Today my (30F) boyfriend (26M) put his hands around my neck and pushed me over the sink during an argument.

We’ve been together since May 2023. Most of the relationship has been filled with arguments and drama, mainly surrounding his drinking. Up until today, I had experienced him in major anger “episodes” where he breaks things, throws things and screams. But he had never put his hands on me.

I recently found out he had cheated on me sometime last year, so I’ve been on edge for the last month… I’m constantly asking questions or I have dreams, my insecurities are at an all time. He begged to make things right, so I’ve been trying to give it one more try before I walk away.

Today I got frustrated with him because I again had some triggering dreams about the infidelity, and I felt like he was being very dismissive of me. On top of that, we’re both sick with the flu and he seems to think I should be catering to him while he makes no effort to do that in return for me. I still cleaned, did laundry, made sure he had all his medicines that he needed… Meanwhile, I’m sick as a dog.

It Created an argument today which escalated. It started with me yelling at him about my frustrations, then he got up from the bed, clenched his teeth and screamed at me while pushing his body against mine so I would be against the wall. I was able to get out of that hole, and argument continued on into the kitchen area, where he then put his hands around my neck (didn’t squeeze it) push my body over the sink… I’m not really sure what he was thinking of doing doing in that moment but I’m going to guess it was nothing good. I did throw a few punches after that because I was afraid, I ended up, hurting myself with a few fingers, bruised, and swollen now. He then stormed out of the apartment and left.

I have always used his alcohol as an excuse for a lot of his crappy behavior. But today, there was none involved. I’m struggling so hard to accept that. This is who he is…

I’m sure I sound very stupid and you’re probably thinking what the hell is wrong with her? Even after everything that just happened I still find it incredibly hard to block this person out of my life. Why? I just don’t know. I can’t get the scene out of my head, where he has my neck and his hands… I never imagined getting to this point. I have no one to talk to you about it, as nobody that cares about me thinks I should even be speaking to him after everything he’s done. I’m embarrassed and ashamed that I have allowed someone to disrespect me this much.

What can I say to myself or do to move on?