do you ever wish he would just kill you

firstly: can you please respect the flair? i don’t want to be rude or anything, but leaving just isn’t possible. i have medications i need to live that i can’t afford without him amongst a lot of other things so just please don’t say it. thank you.

anyways, like the title says, i wish he would just kill me instead of me having to suffer through this. it’s so stressful everyday, i can feel how weak my body’s getting from the stress and it worries me. i had a job, until he ruined that. and that was probably the only job i could get that didn’t require me to stand 24/7. i can’t work fast food and i can’t work retail. trust me, i wish i could. i want a job, but getting one that doesn’t require you to stand all the time when you don’t have anything more than a high school diploma seems impossible. not like he’d let me get another job anyways.

i’m so tired of him screaming at me, sa’ing me, beating me. i’m so tired of it all i hate looking at him i hate talking to him i just want to go to heaven. if it even exists. i never considered myself very religious, but God is the only person who loves me. at least, that’s what i tell myself to keep myself sane. my family has made it extremely clear they don’t want me around. they chose my abuser (not my husband) over me, and i never was able to make friends in highschool.

i feel so lonely. the only friend i did have doesn’t respond to my messages anymore, even though i see that he’s active elsewhere. i don’t understand what i do wrong to make nobody want to be around me, but i can’t force someone to talk to me.

the things he does to me are terrible..but i don’t really feel like going in depth. i don’t know what i did to deserve being abused my entire life, but i wish i could have a redo button and just…start over. i don’t think i’ll ever be loved or be in any sort of relationship that isn’t abusive, familial or romantic. i’ve kind of accepted that. i should just kill myself, but i’m too much of a coward. i’d rather he kills me. i’m so sleepy, haha.