Been on my mind a lot lately

Ever since he "apologized" to me, I haven't been able to get what happened off my mind. It was already bad before but the last few months have been awful.

I think about what I do remember. I think about what I might be forgetting. I think about the fact I loved him and struggle to see him as an abuser. I think about that god damn apology. I think about how disturbing my fantasies were as a kid, how disturbing they are now, how I've gotten off to thoughts of him. My brain just keeps repeating "I was molested" over and over again. I keep telling myself it wasn't that bad.

And I can't tell anyone. I guess I technically could but I'm not ready for that. I don't want to ruin our lives. I don't want my family and everybody who knows me, because my mom would surely tell everyone, to know I was sexually abused. Assuming they believe me. I think my mom would rather receive sympathy for herself than accuse me of lying in this case. I don't want people to ask why I didn't say anything before. I don't want people to think I'm lying because I don't have many details. But it'd be nice to tell someone that isn't a therapist. I want people to know how much it hurts.

I don't blame myself as much as I used to. But it still hurts. I hate the fact that it happened. I hate the fact that he did it. I hate the way my body feels because of it. I feel like there's something wrong with me because of what he did and nothing will ever fix it. It feels humiliating. He never physically hurt me but it HURTS. I feel humiliated, ashamed, guilty, sad, confused, broken. There's so much more I haven't said. It just doesn't get easier.