It feels wrong to say I was sexually abused

I don't have clear memories of the worse things that I think happened. What I do remember is weird, but I don't feel comfortable calling any of it abuse. Grooming, maybe, but I don't know how far it all went.

Even if I did have clearer memories, I'd still feel bad calling it abuse. I feel so guilty for accusing him of something like this. He was always so nice to me and I trusted him more than the other adults in my life, why am I doing this to him? I haven't even told anybody in my life, I just feel so guilty for even thinking this. I can hardly talk about to therapists because I feel so bad for making them think I've gone through something like this. It wasn't that bad, I don't deserve help or sympathy.

My mind is a mess.