I don’t know why I can’t do it completely

I used to really struggle with a lot heavier drinking, but I still just can't seem to quit my nightly drinking. Maybe between 3 to 5ish shots a night. Sometimes zero but never consistently. I also have an insane number of allergies that I deal with. Can't eat a lot of food or go outside really, so I guess I just filled that with drinking. However, I now have developed a severe and sudden allergy to alcohol. Maybe three weeks ago, I had gotten drunk and hadn't eaten anything that would trigger a reaction, and my throat closed up and full body hives - the whole shebang that I usually get. I just don't know why I still can't stop though.

The mental gymnastics I do to justify it makes sense but also not at all?? I figured out I can have some alcohol and I only get hives; no big deal. I get them all the time anyways. Or it's like how l'm allergic to chocolate but I can eat a square on a good day and just pop a benadryl and expect hives and gi issues and all that jazz. So, why is drinking any different?

Besides the fact that it's OBVIOUSLY way different lol I shouldn't even eat things like chocolate anyway since it could easily turn into something more severe, but I don't even think about chocolate much? Maybe at Christmas or something? But with alcohol, it's every night. And I just keep rolling the dice and feeling shitty and like an idiot. And I don't know how to stop.

I know I’m not completely comfortable with the program either, which definitely isn’t helping. My dad has been in the NA for 19 years and counting. I grew up in it and going to meetings and all that. For lots of reasons, those weren’t great times in my life.

So I guess I’m just feeling lost. Sorry about the rambling