Old Ace Yells at Cloud

Hi, kids, I’m old. Been meaning to do a post like this lately, and a recent thread about whether it’s okay to combine labels got me thinking, about how labels work and where they even come from. I’m very much not saying that age and experience make me better at being an Ace — and it’s probably the opposite, since I didn’t have the tools or the vocabulary to figure out my own deal until much later in life.

I’m just fascinated by this idea that today’s young people seem to really be motivated to find the right label. To me, it seems a little like what my generation did, except we tried to expand the existing categories, instead of finding the more specific point inside that zone.

Some history: Back in my day (I’m GenX), we considered our parents to be out of touch and clueless, because it’s normal to think that about your parents. (And because they fucking were.) But remember, they had been the Hippies of the 60’s and their parents were definitely not exactly enlightened and progressive. That’s background for explaining why Boomers still had a lot of blind spots, and also why they just couldn’t believe that they were as sexist or racist or homophobic as they were, considering what they had to compare to.

Enter, my generation. We had TV and movies made by Boomers who knew how to tap into anti-authority sentiment and ask questions. The good stuff turned that same cynicism on themselves. What we got was a healthy mistrust of authority, including that of our supposedly enlightened parents. And we really got good at spotting hypocrisy and willful ignorance.

What we did with gender roles and sexuality was to expand the spectrum of expression. Partly this was us being little punks, and partly it was an honest interrogation of the structure. We did okay, I think, not great, but it moved things forward. It was like, “oh, your example of an ideal man is Steve McQueen or Robert Redford? Cool, our spectrum includes a more serious James Bond and also Hawkeye Pierce and extends to Prince and Boy George.” All men, all valid ways to express maleness, let’s argue about it at Thanksgiving if you want.

In terms of sexuality, I do think we failed to recognize that the Kinsey Scale has a Y axis, though. The jokey, cartoon version of gay people that was there in 80’s - 90’s pop culture was gradually swept away in favor of more 3-dimensional characters, and that helped people understand the real friends and family in their lives. I was always aware of the sexual spectrum being a normal thing. Having gay friends was not special. I do wish asexuality had been a more recognized thing, because I spent a lot of time thinking I was just kind of lame at being a straight guy.

But to bring it back around, I think what I would encourage people to do is maybe consider a few different ways to figure this out. Use whatever tools seem useful, to explain yourself to yourself. Find a way that expresses yourself to others that feels honest, and true, and safe.

And if that’s a micro-label, or a bespoke combination of 3 different ideas that overlap at exact 45-degree angles, hey, so long as it works, it’s fine. But please also consider that labels can accidentally turn into limits, and humans are complicated. You might find that just saying “I’m someplace in this whole Ace area here” (gestures) gets you to a place that works for you right now, and if so that is totally 100% okay. We don’t check ID badges at the door, and there is no database to compare to.

Be well, my friends, I’m learning a lot from being here. Thanks.