Eulogy for my son Liam

I wrote my son’s eulogy 2 days after he passed as a way to heal. I wanted to share with this community who understand my pain and loss- he was important and he mattered. Please pray for us.

His name was Liam Bennett C. This was not supposed to happen. There are no words to describe the crushing grief and anger that stem from the loss of Liam’s precious life. There is a crib in our home that remains empty, a chair he will never be rocked in, a stocking he will never empty on Christmas morning, and there is a void in our lives that will never be filled. We had picked a name, embroidered clothes and blankets for him, he was the perfect piece that would complete our family. I had embraced being a “boy mom” and I looked forward to being overrun and inundated with cars, dinosaurs, and sports things for the foreseeable future. That future is gone. The future we envisioned, hoped, and planned for is fractured and in its place is uncertainty, regret, and longing. Uncertainty in how I can honor and keep his memory alive when we were the only ones who knew him, regret that in his short life he may have experienced pain as we tried to keep him tethered to us, and longing that no matter what our future holds, it doesn’t include him and therefore will never be complete.

Liam was a beautiful and perfect boy. He was healthy until he wasn’t. I am told I did everything right, that what happened was out of my hands. While I understand that sentiment, it will take time and healing to acknowledge or become complacent that we had no control over his not being with us here today. Liam loved his brother and all the hugs, bumps, and snuggles his brother gave him as he grew inside me. Liam held our hands and saw us with his own eyes after he was born. He tried to cry on his ventilator and calmed when he heard my voice. His grandparents came to see him and love him in his end of life. His dad and I held him for the first and last time as he passed from this world, wrapped in warmth with gentle affirmations from us of our love for him. He knew us and he knew he was loved as he left us.

His loss is incredibly hard for us and we are rebuilding our lives one minute and one day at a time. We have received an amazing outpouring of support and love from our family and friends through this tragedy and I would ask only one additional thing from you moving forward: remember Liam. Pray for him in your nightly or weekly or annual vigils, keep his spirit alive in your words and actions by being kind and gentle to those around you, care and love his brother like he would have done, and join with us in remembrance of him through charity and love filled events that we will plan in his honor. We cannot unring this bell. My husband and I are walking in dark and uncharted territory with no compass in our grief, but we are doing it together as one team. Because our love for our family and each other is so strong, I do believe in the saying that if love could have saved Liam, he would have lived forever. Liam will be with us every day and is loved endlessly. I thank you all in sharing that love with us today.