3 weeks have passed.

3 weeks without my baby. 3 weeks of mental torture and guilt and the worst thoughts I’ve ever had. We lost our precious second son to SIDS on 1/25 and as the days go on it’s so much harder. I have a 3.5 year old to continue showing up for. My husband has been my ROCK. But I am so sad. I miss him so much. I miss feeding him and seeing him smile up at me between his little gulps. I miss his sweet smile and his stinky feet in the morning. I miss his presence in our home. I miss him so dearly it’s hard to breathe sometimes. Our 4 year wedding anniversary is this weekend and my husband wants to treat us to an overnight stay in the city with dinner and spa the next day. Normally I would be overjoyed, but nothing feels normal or right. Idk how to cope with the fact that he is gone and that I will never see that sweet smile again. I see so much of him in my older son, they were like twins but 3 years apart. I am just so sad. Does it ever get better? We are in counseling, I am on medication (Ativan) and I still cry all day. I returned to work for some sort of normalcy and purpose but it’s still so so so hard. I just needed a place to vent and if anyone can help me.