It happened to me…

Been with my husband for almost 7 years. Married for 3. We just had our second daughter not even 2 months ago.

Last Thursday night he confesses to me that he had an affair with a mutual friend of ours- a former co-worker of his that I befriended as well and was friends with for 2 years from about 2020- 2022. She was like me- kind, a bit insecure, and a people pleaser. She was also in a problematic marriage. We hung out weekly, getting happy hour drinks and occasionally dinner. We stayed friends until around the time I got pregnant with my first. I told her the news shortly after the holidays of 2021 and she pretty much blew me off after that. I knew her husband had a vasectomy a few years back on her without telling her, so pregnancy was a triggering topic. I realized that and tried to tell her gently. Her awkwardness was expected and I didn’t think a ton of it except one day I asked her to hang out and she told me she had moved out of state. I was shocked she never told me leading up to her move. I figured she just needed the change because things with her husband had continued to get worse.

When my husband confessed last week, he told me he was trying to get right with God, and needed to tell me because it had been weighing on him. The first thing I wanted to know was the timeline. I found out it started when we were engaged and lasted after we got married and then even through my pregnancy and birth of my first child. He said it was infrequent and spread out, meaning months in between, but it was triggered by us fighting which preceded me being withdrawn from him sexually. When I asked him how many times he said “definitely less than 10” and thinks it was somewhere around 5 times”. He can’t remember or tell me the exact amount of times. He also can’t tell me the exact dates or even months when it happened . Just that the first time was alcohol fueled at an after-work happy hour and it happened in his truck in their work parking lot. They had been “commiserating” over their relationships (her with her husband and me with him and our issues). Keep in mind her and I were already friends, and I had entrusted her with some of the things I had shared about our relationship as well.

He said then there was a big gap, and it started up again after we got married. We got pregnant 4 months after marriage and had our baby in August of 2022. I’m guessing it happened 3 or 4 times between latter 2021 and the calendar year of 2022. The last time was after our daughter was born, supposedly “awhile” after the other times.

I am so deeply confused. I’m hurt. I’m betrayed (obviously!). I’m sad. And I’m angry. She could have told me the first time when it happened and I could have gotten out in time. Now I am married to him. We have a house together. I’m a SAHM. I have two kids and one is a NEWBORN. I am financially enmeshed with him as our finances are combined.

I tried reaching out to my former friend. She blocked me on the spot. I now have no way of knowing her side. Obviously she had feelings for him despite her telling me how loyal she was to her husband and the “shy/ insecure” girl that I pegged her for. The only tip off I had was she always seemed to care about what he thought of her, but I thought that was because she put her identity in her work since that’s all she had, and my husband was in a higher up role than her. Still, I just never imagined. And it all happened right under my nose.

EDIT: I wanted to add that my “friend” has since left her husband and moved on with her life. I found this out at the company Christmas party last year from a mutual friend (obviously before I knew about the affair). The mutual friend told me she was divorced and with “a really great guy”.

Apparently my husband served as a gateway for her clarity. She realized she could get another guy (and one she was attracted to) to have s*x with her, which gave her the confidence boost to leave her husband. So she has a brand new life out of the deal.

When I spoke to him about WHY she didn’t tell me, he said he specifically told her “Don’t tell _______. You can never tell her.” (His words). And I guess she was so damn into him she listened.