(NSFW) Doing worse somehow post-treatment than during active treatment. I really, really need some support.

I'm going to label this NSFW because some very traumatic things happened. I finished Herceptin in June. But I was diagnosed with depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder and was on and off meds and psychologists and psychiatrists for the past 10 years. (Stage 2B, HER2+, lumpectomy 10 nodes removed, Kadcyla, 15 rounds radiation, now I'm infertile due to chemo). Cancer was the final nail in the coffin. I called my older brother, the person, the person I love and trust most in the world, to come get me the other day. It was a matter of when not if in killing myself. I had already tied a rope to one of the higher beams of my house attempting to hang myself. I felt guilty not feeling relieved surviving cancer. I should be so elated right. But now I have this horrible anxiety on top of my major depressive disorder and GAD. My brother God bless his soul came and got me and now I'm in seeing a therapist and on meds. I'm only 30. I'm ashamed, because of how bad it is for your health and especially with having cancer, but I drank a lot post treatment. I was clearing a bottle of wine and 3 white claws a day. Traumatized. I couldn't deal.

Am I being dramatic? I see a lot of survivors move on with their lives. I can't seem too. I'm in a lot of therapy and medication now, thankfully sober. It's hard though because alcohol honestly does take those negative feelings away. I feel so guilty. I feel so ashamed. This group is the only group I feel like would get it. Maybe I should call a cancer survivors' group as well. Not sure how to navigate this. Everyone acts like I should be the happiest person in the world for beating this. But I am so numb.