Depressed about failed recon

I had a tissue expander with Alloderm in June. For the first 3 weeks, everything was perfect and then I suddenly got a serratia marcensens infection and the TE had to be removed. At the time I was disappointed, but I was more concerned if the mastectomy got all the cancer, and if I was going to need radiation or chemo. When I found out I was cancer-free and I didn't need chemo or radiation, I was SO relieved!!! I got my prosthetic and bras and it was much more comfortable than I expected. I was in really good spirits.

But I'm dealing with cording--which doesn't bother me much during the day, but at night it's almost impossible to sleep on that side, and I always slept on that side.

Then I started my estrogen blocker shot and I was super depressed and emotional for the first week.

I gained 15 pounds after surgery, which put me over 40 BMI. I know that makes me higher risk. I'm trying to get the weight off so I can have the best chance of success for my next attempt at recon, but it's slow-going.

I want DIEP flap, but I'm so worried I won't qualify due to my weight and 1st recon failure. I'm worried it will fail again. I feel like I failed. I feel like I did something wrong and wishing I could go back and change whatever I did wrong. If it hadn't failed I would have my TE filled by now and not have to look at my deformed chest every day.

I hate my body right now. So much. I am so conflicted. I just had 2 surgeries and I'm still healing. I don't want anymore surgery, but I want it fixed now. I want to lose weight, but I want it fixed now. I feel guilty being so hung up on my appearance, because I am so fortunate to have caught it early and not need radiation or chemo. But it's so upsetting to see it and feel it without the prosthetic.

Ty for letting me rant. I can't sleep.