Good days and bad days

I didn’t want to post this, but today and yesterday are weighing on me.

I was diagnosed with IDC with a very good prognosis. Still waiting on a few tests to determine if I need chemo or additional surgery. However, right now everything looks to be stage 1a. Lumpectomy and radiation to follow.

I’m so freaking grateful for that and some days I can breeze through and be so happy that I’ve got this under control. That the medical team I’ve been placed with has a clear path for me. Everyone is so positive. My husband. My kids. My medical team. And most days I am too.

I’ve researched obsessively and everything tells me the facts are: this is treatable/beatable. Those are the literal facts. I can’t dispute those.

BUT….

I’m sad. I’m tired and I’m pissed. I should be feeling overwhelming gratitude that this is just a shitty hand of cards that I’ve been dealt, but I will ultimately win the battle.

Tomorrow will be better. Then the next. I’ll get through it- I have zero doubt about that, but I can’t shut this damn brain of mine off. Keep going to dark places. It’s not healthy and I want to thrive with this challenge not cave inwards.

Also- I AM grateful. Extremely. I think I’m just scared and my frontal lobe is a bitch.