Talk me off the AAP shame ledge

Can somebody make me be reasonable. My LO is 5 weeks old today and my absolute joy. However, feeding him makes me scared of the pain (I did in fact recoil away from my own baby when my husband brought him near me during a clusterfeeding session).

I bought formula (Kendamil organic because it seemed less depressing?) because I have pain during feeding on my left side and lingering pain after. I have lovely silvery pink scars through my nipple and on my areola. I am seeing a IBCLC today to try to help latching and hopefully get to pain-free BF one day.

Now for the encouragement. I had to supplement with 1.5oz of formula last week one night and 3oz last night before bed because I didn’t pump in the morning after my clusterfeeding mental breakdown from the night before. He gets to be on the boob as much as he wants, but I’m just not producing enough at night. When you read the AAP literature the emphasis is on EBF up to 6 months before introducing solids, and it’s very demoralizing the way it’s presented because it reads like you’re failing your baby if formula has touched their lips.

Can somebody tell me that I haven’t somehow condemned my child to a life of medical issues because I’ve used formula a couple times 🤦🏼‍♀️ I wasn’t prepared for the level of guilt I’d feel. I was fully ready to combo feed with a bottle at night but after reading more literature I feel terrible about it and I’m trying to push through.

I see all these posts and articles about moms suffering through for months until it gets better, and it makes me feel like I’m a worse mom for not just suffering through even though a large part of the decision was my pumping output decreased for a couple days as well.

Please tell me a bit of formula here and there is not the end of the world. I want to get to the part where I feed my baby and I still like him instead of dreading him after 3pm.

UPDATE: IBCLC appointment was FANTASTIC. Loved her, she helped make such minor adjustments but they WORKED and I was able to feed my baby without pain. We talked about several things, but this is the latest in the day my baby has seemed happy in weeks. My pediatrician also gave me some formula samples to try/have on hand. This was the first time I’ve looked at my baby while he was eating and I could appreciate his little neck rolls or see his baby acne or love his little cheeks in…so long. So, if someone is reading this, go to the lactation consultant.