I stole a handjob

So I am currently in Thailand, Chang Mai to be exact.

After endless days and nights of boozing and passing out on floors and disgusting couches, I decide a cheap massage is in order, so I stumble around to the first parlor I can find.

The old lady makes me undress and throws a towel over me. Another old lady walks in, pulls the towel off, slaps some lotion on that boy, and starts in on the ol’ handy dandy.

Well I’m a little annoyed I’m not getting a massage because my body truly hurts from all the boozing nonstop on 50 cent liters, but who the hell am I to turn down a handjob.

I drift in and out of consciousness, but eventually cum on my own tummy. The old lady takes me to a shower and cranks it up. Instead of a nice warm spray it’s just a cold fucking garden hose. Whatever, I’m glad to not have my own cum all over me. Not sure how the gals on the hub manage it.

As she’s hosing me off, I slip and fall and pass out. This should’ve been a sign from god that I’m at rock bottom as I wake up to a Thai hooker hosing my own cum off my beer gut, but of course we all know it isn’t. All I can think is I hope my ancestors can’t see me now.

I manage to pull myself up and dry off, the cold shower and orgasm have made me come to my senses a bit.

Well what I was expecting to be a 500 baht massage (I don’t remember the exact numbers so stay off my ass here) has now turned into a 2,000 baht massage. Unfortunately, I don’t have 2,000 baht. I tell the old lady I’ll go back to my guesthouse and come back, she doesn’t believe me which was very smart on her part.

One thing you quickly learn about Thailand is that fucking with the locals in any way can make your life hell.

If you’ve made it past the title of this post you’ve already figured out I ain’t paying for it.

So I’m walking down the street with this old Thai hooker that just hosed cum off me, she doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak Thai, just a lovely post-cum-shower Sunday stroll.

She stops to look at a purse or some shit, idk, and I get about 50 or so paces ahead. I look behind me and see my opportunity.

Now I’m short, fat, and in zero physical shape, but I’m also broke and need that money for drugs and alcohol, and my cheapness and addiction take precedent

I bolt like my life was depending on it, I look like fat, white Jackie fucking Chan running through temples and accross busy streets. My sweaty man tits jiggling all over the place.

I’ve now made it back to my guesthouse Scott free , and am slugging a Chang lager. The beer is on an honor system at the guesthouse so I’m probably not gonna pay for that either. I’m paranoid that any second now some short little muy Thai fucker is going to come knockin’ and show me a thing or two about the local culture.

I’ve booked a one way ticket back to Bangkok in the morning.

Tl;dr I stole a handjob