Communication Skills and the Mental Load Discussion

Like many here I've recently gone through a Mental Load discussion which promptly turned into a roaring argument. I've read back through most of the posts here and on broader social media and what stands out to me is the absolutely precarious situation where clearly stressed couples are getting drawn into the social media frenzy of Mental load without any real guidance beyond "stop doing things" or "tell him he's not doing/planning enough". This of course sets up a really antagonistic dynamic which obviously becomes a disaster. I myself felt this on Boxing Day after my wife received a text from her toxic mother insinuation she was useless. My wife is of course not useless but the relationship is triggering and so by the end of the day she was in tears we sat down and she told me she was sad about us and where we were. That I wasn't "showing up" and then a long list of things she didn't feel I was doing. At first I tried to listen but the list of things started feeling really hurtful so i tried to slow it down by highlighting that I acknowledged that there's an imbalance but this year in particular has been incredibly difficult due to a lengthy and stressful work complaint and I'm trying my best to get back into being as active in that space as possible. Then cake some really quite nasty things, some minor gaslighting as I tried to get a sense of what she was claiming by repeating back to her what she said for clarification. At the core is clearly the mental/emotional load issue. We have three complicated kids, she's retraining into a different field and works part time. I work full-time and am away from the house for about 50 to 60 hours a week. What struck me was some of these phrases and terms weren't things she would normally say. They seemed primed from some other source, likely social media. I see a lot of advice here about sitting down with your partner and listening, highlighting the reality of mental load and reference to the card game. But when you go read other social media it really seems quite different and really Hostile. Women are marching into these conversations frustrated, emotionally and physically burnt out but with very little guidance and a lot of hostility. This seems really poorly thought out and fueled by what n sounds like, at its core a reasonable position. But I'm also seeing this invisible labour discussion here. But I think we all know how the counterpoint of "well actually this is all I do" goes. I've tried taking over planning things and recognising, analysing and planning as suggested in the past, but to no avail. Seeing a water heater needed replacing, calling plumbers when I'm at work in another town and then trying to schedule that around when she is at home during the day is a logistical nightmare and actually just turned into a frustrating nidus for an argument about this very issue.

I don't know what the solution is. Mental load has grown into a groundswell position that many women are uncritically taking up. I don't doubt it's an issue but it seems like on many cases it's wielded like a one sided weapon to beat men over the head with. For sure there are some layabouts who don't do their fair share but for those of you working full time with a SAHM/W who may wirk part-time, splitting the remaining housework 50:50 when you are home and trying to get involved in the planning, stay safe and take care. Advocating for reality and a fair discussion needs to be brought up.

Any advice from those who've had success here would be appreciated. I'm lined up for a date night where we're supposed to discuss these things. All I can see atm is that turning into me taking over 50% (at best) of the planning that I'm supposed to do while I'm at work somehow....