Sexyfluencers following him on Tiktok

41F w/ 48M

I've been with my SO for almost 18 months. I'm very much in love with him. We're compatible in so many ways. When we started seeing each other, I didn't have any socials other than LinkedIn. He had Facebook but I wasn't on Facebook so I didn't/can't see any of his activity. In the last few months, we both got tiktok only so our friends at work could send us funny videos. Actually it was me first who wanted to send him funny videos that our friends were sending me. So he created an account so he could watch them.

A couple weeks later I notice he has a cute profile picture when he didn't have one. That was when alarm bells sounded. Then I start to see that sexfluencers are following him. Like 10 of them all of a sudden. And only like three of them "real" people, like people we know. I can't see who he's following but I can click on some of his followers and see that he was following a few of the sex influencers back. That's a 100% deal breaker and it couldn't wait so I immediately texted him. I didn't fly off the handle. I basically and calmly explained I would never seek to change him. All I needed to know was if he was going to like, comment, and follow that sort of content, if that was what he wanted, I would no longer be his girlfriend. That we could always be friends but that is not something I can deal with. He knows my trauma with my ex husband having been addicted to porn. I thought he unfollowed them but I wasn't sure. We moved past it, I decided to trust him. When he told me he wasn't into porn or strip clubs or anything early in our relationship, I genuinely believed him.

Fast forward a couple months and I see he has almost 20 followers that are sex influencers. Their tag lines say things like "don't bother to follow unless you're going to chat me up". I don't see that he has liked or commented on their posts but again, their profiles are mostly private and I can't see his following list. It's only like 10 people. I present this to him calmly. I ask if we can dialogue about it and he says we would. So when I brought it up that night, he said "there's nothing to talk about". He explained that he thinks the sexfluencers follow him because he likes things that come across his FYP that are less than appropriate but are not pornographic. He says I have to "trust IN him, not necessarily trust him". What does that even mean? He said I'm smart enough to figure it out. He claimed to have never followed any of them, so he definitely gaslit me. He more or less said "I acknowledge your trauma and why you feel the way you do but if I drop them as followers I won't see funny stuff in my feed anymore".

Now, he's a biker and a law enforcement officer. Inappropriate humor and scantily clad women are part of his culture. But as of today it's been two days and he hasn't dropped those "women" as followers. I told him it made me uncomfortable to see my daughter's face amongst a list of women who are clearly advertising sex. He knows what I've been through. I feel that he is choosing these followers, whatever his reason, over me.

Am I overthinking this? He expresses his love in so many ways. We have such a great time together just spending time, just being together. I feel peace when we're together. My body is peaceful, my mind. I feel safe (although not so much now). Is this what I fear that it is? Is sex infleuncers following him on social media as much of a red flag as I perceive it to be? Should I really end a relationship that's healthy and loving in so many ways because of this? Women, would you be asking yourself these questions? Everyone has red flags. Would this be a deal breaker for you?

Men, do you get follows from sex influencers even if you are not seeking out that sort of content?

He also said my presentation rubbed him the wrong way, like I was accusing him of wrongdoing. I was simply expressing that I was uncomfortable with it. I so badly wanted to say "you rubbed me the wrong way when you gaslit me" but I have not sufficiently got my boundaries firmed up. I see him talking without really answering questions or opening up about his motives. He is essentially saying "I'm telling you not to worry about it so just don't worry about it, end of conversation".

Thoughts?