Struggling with comparing myself to my friends.

I (22M) have always had troubles with my self-esteem and social anxiety. I’ve always believed that I was less worthy than others, or didn’t belong in the groups I found myself in growing up. These feelings, along with my social anxiety, made it really easy to shy away from experiences where I could fail and from people who intimidated me. Because of this, I feel that I wasn’t able to reach many of the “social milestones” or socially develop in a healthy way. Now, I am a recent college graduate who is currently living with friends

These last few years have been particularly hard. My mental health has been very tumultuous and there have been very low lows. I would go as far as to say that these last couple years have been the worst of my life. Negative self-talk has been my biggest issue through all of this, and at this point my inner narrative has been shaped into one of fear and shame. I often feel bad about myself because of my lack of experience socially and in life, and I also feel shame because I have been living with my mental illness for so long. I’ve gone through many mental breakdowns, especially in these last few months, and these have caused me to feel really unstable emotionally. I still have stretches of days where I can barely get out of bed and feel so lifeless and empty. My brain is working against me more often than not. I even had to quit my job recently due to my mental illness, and generally it feels like my depression and anxiety has taken control over my life and

My roommates, and the majority of my friends, are in better spots in their lives than I am right now, and have had a more normal social development. They have jobs, significant others, are able to travel, find joy in their hobbies, and generally live more content lives. This is not to say that they don’t have their own troubles, of course they do, but they are able to cope with their troubles in a much more constructive way and are generally able to lead fulfilling lives. That is what it looks like from my perspective, anyway.

Its so hard for me to feel good about where I am in life when I see people close to me seemingly doing it better. They are all doing the things that I so insecurely want for myself, and it seems like they are all able to do it much easier and more confidently. I’m happy for them, they are all really cool people and I am glad that I get to be a part of their lives and see their happiness. However, I can’t help but feel bad for myself when I am around them, and I always find myself in a shame spiral after we hang out. Their successes remind me so much of my failures. Their achievements remind me so much of what I’m not able to do right now because of my mental illness. While there is some envy and resentment because of this, I mostly feel intense shame in myself and inadequate. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me inherently. Like I’m broken :/

I am receiving treatment. I go to therapy and have a psychiatrist, and I’m at a point in my life now where I am able to focus totally on feeling better, but the work is hard and the results don’t necessarily feel significant yet. I’m frustrated and it seems like I’m just not good enough. I just want to get to a place where I can feel confident in myself and can show up in my life in the ways that I want to and see others doing now.