Never posted on here but long vent 👨🏫🔥
This phobia is actually so taxing. It tears me down down every minute of everyday and never stops taking hits at my self esteem. I’m gonna be 17 in 7 days and I haven’t even started drivers Ed. I’m stressed every time I leave my room let alone the house. I’m falling behind in every aspect of my life I fear. Im doing summer school rn and already missed 2/4 days that I can miss because of a fucking stomach ache and I’m probably gonna miss tomorrow too. Like are you kidding me?? It’s the second week😭😭 I finally have a chance to redeem myself and I’m chipping out like always. I really don’t mean to and try my hardest to feel and do the best I can but it never works out. I missed practically the whole school year to get help. I did 4 months of an Ed program that didn’t fucking help. I have a therapist and dietitian that I see weekly. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong :((( I couldnt do cheer. I gave up hanging out with friends. Movie nights in fear they’ll wanna watch a movie where someone gets sick. Like I’m a teen girl! I wanna do teen girl things! Live my teen girl life! Focus on school and having fun with friends. Start looking into colleges and be excited about graduation. Get a boyfriend or som. Fucking drive. I don’t think I can express how pathetic I feel that I can’t even go to school because of how much I worry. I genuinely want to go but I can’t and I really don’t even know how to explain. I’ll be fine one second then I’ll go crying off to mommy the next. So helpless it’s not even funny. I absolutely hate this and I absolutely hate myself for not being able to control it. It’s so fucking embarrassing to watch my friends be carefree and have fun and even go to school while I’m worrying if the 8 minutes I took to wash my hands after using the bathroom was enough. If I should wait til the next day to eat safe foods cause it’s a new box so someone else needs to eat it first to see if they get sick. I know I don’t have it even half as bad as others but this is actually exhausting.