Angry ah rant ahead. (tw for SH)

Dude whenever I feel mildly upset I start to feel like the world is ending and I should end myself now and then I feel okay a few hours later but in the moment I try to harm myself even if I’m fine when I’m not upset. And I always feel like I’m either weirdly zoned out and talk really weirdly, a cynical angsty mess, Just plain weird or hyper and annoying or kinda chill and casual and I always do cringe stuff when I feel like this that I highly regret later. Like for example one time I was starting middle school and I heard people find quiet kids cool so I tried to be an angsty quiet kid and ended up coming off as really rude and I feel really bad. I really hope everyone forgot about it but I always keep remembering cringe stuff I did or bad memories like being yelled at. My worst fear socially is I become someone that I absolutely hate and almost ended myself over so I try my best to not be the weird mean kid. I am currently in the process of being on a waitlist for therapy so maybe I can sort it out there but for now I’ll just rant here and sorry if I came off negatively I just really needed to get that out.