I want to share something… funny?

Sorry if I was too chaotic with this text😔

Hello! I recently found this community, got really interested, and read almost everything. I’d like to share my story and something I personally find funny. I’ve seen people ask deep questions here—I have similar thoughts, but I want to share something simpler.

I grew up in a Krishnaist family, and they still practice. I don’t even know what generation I am—third, maybe fourth? I’m 23 now. My friends and I were often told we were lucky to be born into devotee families, meaning we must have been sages in past lives. 🫣 Well… things didn’t turn out as expected. Especially since I recently realized I have a lot in common with my new friend, who has ADHD and is getting tested for autism.

I haven’t seen a doctor yet, but reading about autism makes me wonder—maybe that’s why I always hated kirtan, japa, and loud rituals? I constantly tried to escape the temple and just endured it. Honestly, a religion built for extroverts felt like my personal hell—except for the food part. I wonder if anyone else here relates?

And now, the funny part.

As a kid, I believed everything I was told… but there was one weird thing. In my dreams and imagination, Krishna often felt like an antagonist. My mom thought it was cool he appeared in my dreams, but I kept wondering, “Why does he seem kinda evil?”

Back then, I didn’t understand complex ideas like free will or divine justice. But looking back, I realize why—Krishna reminded me of the “cool kids” at school. The ones you want to befriend, but they just don’t care about you.

I was told Krishna was our friend, but really? Maybe if you were cool enough and had a Monster High doll. Have you noticed this paradox? Krishna loves us, but there’s constant fear—What if I mess up? Bumped into the deity? Panic. Didn’t chant beautifully? Horror. Smelled food before offering it? Straight to hell.

Friends don’t do that. Even acquaintances wouldn’t. Where’s the sincerity? This isn’t love—it’s fear. Like having a boss who wants to fire you, but you’re supposed to befriend him? Even love him?? That’s an abusive relationship. Or Twilight (same thing).

In the end, my childhood mind associating Krishna with arrogant popular kids saved me from fully sinking into it. Maybe not ideal, but at least it pushed me away in time.