stealth is getting uncomfy. When/how to tell people?
Hey guys, seeking some advice from my stealth brothers (or any siblings).
I’m a 33yo post op passing trans guy, and been enjoying being unintentionally stealth recently. Now that I’m not visibly trans, and I actually have a choice as to who knows and who doesn’t, I’m enjoying being treated like any other guy. I’m having trouble figuring out how to navigate this though, and need some advice.
I’ve become friends with a 22-year-old guy in my apartment complex over the past six months. He’s young and energetic but also has a 6-year-old daughter, which makes him take life seriously. Despite the age gap we get along well, but I haven’t told him I’m trans. We hang out a lot— we walk my dog with his daughter, he always offers me beer and cooks amazing food for me when we hang (ribs, steak, etc), he invites me places, has introduced me to his friends and even hooked me up with his mechanic buddy who did some work on my car.
He’s also been kinda vulnerable with me, he’s a welder and the youngest at his job and talks about how he gets bullied there. He loves his daughter so much and talks about how he found his purpose in life early— being a dad. He was coming as I was going one day in the parking lot and he shouted, “I miss you!” Idk. It’s just been nice to be his friend, I like him.
I know he listens to a ton of Joe Rogan (he says it’s just cus he’s a huge UFC fan), and loves Kill Tony (a show with some questionable vibes), and made a comment about a trans woman on the show, referring to her as “it.” His girlfriend shut it down immediately, but he seemed to gauge my reaction, like he was trying to find out what I thought, or if I thought it was funny, if it was okay to laugh at, etc. There have been a few instances like that (another comment about how I need to get a gf so she can do the dishes— which I said was sexist and he kinda let it roll off.) He’s mostly sweet to his gf, but I’ve seen him be a little dismissive of her at times too.
I feel like his views might stem from ignorance rather than malice, and I don’t get the feeling they’re very set in stone, more of an echo of his surroundings/upbringing. He’s from a rough background—trailer park, deadbeat dad, sister was SA’d by family, teen parent—and he seems to keep his head down and work hard for his daughter. His girlfriend, a nurse, is very “woke” (his words) and has a bi best friend, so I think she’d be accepting. But I’m unsure about him.
Some might say, “Why tell him at all?” But it feels weird to keep it hidden forever, especially now that we’re becoming good friends. We live near water and both like swimming so I’m sure in a few months the scars will be out which will certainly illicit questions. I also struggle with internalized transphobia—like I’m “pretending” to be a man instead of just being one, which I think makes me feel like I’m tricking people or being dishonest somehow. I’m from a religious/conservative background and it’s taking a long time to uproot all that shite. How did you guys get over that?
So my questions are: 1. When and how do you guys think I should tell my friend?
How do you balance being stealth with authenticity? How do you decide who gets to know and when? I love being seen as just another guy, but hiding feels strange and alienating.
How do you deal with feelings of imposter syndrome or internalized transphobia?
Thanks y’all. 👊🏼