How do I stop mourning my wasted 20s and start living?
Hello everyone,
so, first of all I have to say, I'm doing better in life than I did months ago. There have been some significant improvements and I feel like my life goes into the right direction, at least remotely, for the first time in years.
However, and I probably sound like an old man - I deeply regret wasting my 20s. I'm turning 30 in a few months and while I'm pretty positive that my 30s will be better than my 20s, I can't shake off the feeling of regret, disappointment, feeling like I missed my big chance.
When I was around 20, I already had quite some mental health issues, but still felt like I had enough time to sort them out. What I lacked in confidence, I made up for in hope. I was 100% convinced that I'll achieve my life-long dream of becoming a successful music producer.
While I didn't have an active plan, I had the passion, the energy, the drive. But I wasted it. I could've done so much more. Could've improved and even f*cking pioneered in some genres. I did nothing of that.
The only people that currently listen to my music are my friends and myself. And while it makes me happy to get at least some recognition, it feels like you wanted to be Martin Garrix but you're just Martin. Just that random guy that had a couple of tough years and now his buddies cheer him up for releasing a mediocre song every few years.
I make jokes about getting older, because I can't stand the fact that I AM getting older. I used to make fun of people who couldn't accept not being 20 anymore, now I'm becoming one myself. And I feel much older. Not just on a physical level, but especially on a mental one.
And it scares the sh*t out of me. Cause when I was 20, I basically assumed life would have the big grapes ready for me once I am ready. Now it becomes more and more clear that life ain't gonna do shit if you don't actively pursue it yourself. And even if you do, doesn't mean you will succeed. Especially when it's about things that are out of your control.
Back then, I was naive, but at least I believed in that sh*t.
Now it seems like I'm exactly what I never wanted to be - just one of many. Nobody special. Born here, died there. F*ck I'm in a midlife crisis. Or quarter-life. Hopefully quarter-life...
I'm more tired, less energetic. I am happy when I come from work to have my peace, smoke a couple joints and be done with the day. No, actually I'm not happy. But I'm content with it. Comfortable. And I hate that feeling, while still seeking it.
I remember moments from my past, mostly day dreams where I'd feel so f*cking happy and excited. Some of it was drug-infused, I'll admit that. But the majority was deep confidence in my destiny to become successful.
I knew that I've gone through some bad shit, but my time would come SOON! Soon. soon...
10 years later and I have to realize I've wasted thousands of euros on weed and alcohol. Realize I'm still too f*cking afraid to find a girlfriend. Realize I'm working a low-wage job to stabilize while my friends are earning good money. Realize others are living the dream while I'm numbing myself.
Realize that sometimes saying "One day, I'll make it" feels more and more like a joke. The golden vision of my future turned into this nasty shade of p*ss yellow.
When I was a kid, I always assumed life would start at 18. And suddenly you're 30 and realize you've been part of it all along. And you wasted so many good moments. So many chances.
I'm not saying it's too late. But I'm afraid it's too late to become who I wanted to be. And this makes me sick.
I try to tell myself that I had to endure this in order to become who I'm really meant to be. Who I really want to be. Like a necessary lesson I had to learn BEFORE I can really start off.
But I don't know... It's hard to focus on positive things if you constantly feel it's never even remotely enough, while still trying to be grateful. It's hard to focus on every day life if what you desired all your life is that moment of feeling special. It's hard to focus on the moment if you feel your time's running out.
There's so much I want to do, but so little time... Sometimes I try to console myself by realizing that at least other's have experienced what I wanted to experience.. But it's a terrible feeling. It's like you know there's cake, but you ain't gonna get it.
Edit: Jesus, I never expected so many comments and upvotes. It will definitely take a while to read them all lol.
So first of all, thanks a lot for all the advice and insight. I really appreciate it!
Edit 2: Some typos, if you find more, you can keep them :P