I just had a dream about her. Us talking and clearing the air. I think I'm slowly becoming numb to it or accepting it. Still, I don't think I'll ever TRULY get over it.

The dream was essentially us somehow being face to face and airing out grievances.

(For context, it was non-romantic limerence. It was a 4 year friendship when the limerence kicked in at the 2 year mark. I became ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED with her and it got to the point of being seriously suicidal.)

I did the whole "I won't reach out first" thing and that was essentially the end of the friendship. She didn't care about the friendship like I did, and I KNOW this, yet my conscience, after 1 year and half, refuses to do the same.

In the dream, I apologized for what I did, and she said it messed her up bad. I even floated the idea of being friends again and was immediately shut down. I begrudgingly accepted that, as I had no choice.

The thing is, I know I wasn't entirely right to do that. But I was VERY suicidal and SOMETHING had to give. And the problem is that the weight of the entire friendship was on me, yet I still feel bad for choosing myself. THAT'S the problem, yet I can't escape the guilt of "giving up" on it, when I KNOW I did all I could.

And if she actually gave a damn, it wouldn't have ended anyway. I didn't cut contact or anything like that, all I did was stop reaching out first, just to confirm my suspicions, and those suspicions proved right, as much as I REALLY didn't want them to.

So why does it still pain me so. What am I still dreaming of reconciliation? Why can't I hear her name or see here without fear of a panic attack or something similar? Why is her hold still SO STRONG over me? This is what I mean when I say I'm becoming numb to it. I just don't care anymore, yet the feelings are as strong as ever.

A real Catch 22.