caught wife (35F) planning weekend with another guy

Reposting from r/relationships to get more feedback...

I (38M) caught my wife (35F) texting and planning a weekend away with another man she met online. My suspicions arose when she claimed she got a nanny job for a rich family and would be needed for an entire weekend, and the money sounded great. I was excited for her/us as we could use the huge amount of money they offered.

Then, I saw the texts on her phone - it was to another much older man who she sent lingerie pictures to - she was lying about the entire nanny job, and was going to go away for the weekend with him. I confronted her ASAP, and she broke down crying and apologizing. She claimed she met him online, and met him for coffee only once.

We have 3 young kids and been together for 13 years, and while marriage hasn't been perfect, I have always been there for her with whatever she needed - time alone, sleep in, kid pickup etc. My suspicions were up even before this, as she had been extra volatile towards me for small things (laundry, work) - for background she is a SAHM, and I work remotely and travel 2x/month for work. She had a few temper tantrums when I would ask (EXTREMELY NICELY) if everything was OK or what I could do if she seemed sad or overwhelmed.

The kicker here is, I love her more than life itself. When she broke down crying, I comforted HER. She swore she wasn't really going to go (she is the biggest flaker on things like this, so not a stretch) and she was just doing it for attention. I was initially ANGRY and not sad - we talked and hung out that entire day, and she said this has made her realize how much I did love her, and how much she loved me. The next 2 weeks were the best 2 weeks of my life - she was loving, caring, supportive - I honestly was so happy I forgot about it most of the time.

Then, I realized she lied about how long it was going on for - almost a full year (but they only met up once?). She claimed it was only a few weeks, and said she just forgot how long it was because it didn't mean anything to her - I also checked the cell phone records (could only see non iMessage texts) and saw numerous calls/texts to random cell phones she couldn't explain (2 to be exact, did search and found out who they were). She is adamant those must be spam or something, even though she spoke with one on the phone at 9pm for 20 minutes a few months ago. Also, she brought up a family that offered to fly her on vacation with them to nanny for them a few months back but we couldn't make it work, and she claims that was a legit job and not same guy or another guy.

After this revelation, I will be honest, I got pretty needy. I am extremely confident (borderline cocky tbh) guy, and asked her to just try and show her love/support for me. She did a little bit, but whenever I asked what was wrong (ex. I worked all day, picked up kids, made dinner while she laid down) she told me I was suffocating her. I took that to heart and gave her space, and even me asking simple questions about the kids or any events we had going on. She changed access on our cell carrier website so I can't check usage (so I "don't overthink things") and I haven't looked at her phone since I found out she lied about how long it was going on for, no way she would probably let me.

It's been 3 months since the initial revelation, and it honestly feels like before - she is pushing me away and doesn't want to spend any time with me, which is the only thing I have asked for - just for us to spend solo time together.

I am running out of options here - I love this woman more than anything, and I love the life we have built with our kids as well. But it seems like she doesn't care that this whole situation has completely broken me more than I ever thought possible - she pretends it never happened tbh. I brought up marriage counseling (absolutely not) and suggesting we talk to work things out, but apparently that's "suffocating" her. I don't want to split up my family, and I love her and want to be with her, but I am totally lost.

How can I not think she cheated/has been doing this all along, as she shows no remorse anymore And what the heck do I do now?

Please help!

TL;DR caught wife planning weekend with another guy, doesn't seem to care or try in our relationship after initially trying