I just need to vent. Please read.

i don’t even know what’s wrong with me. it’s like everything is falling apart, and i can’t fix it. i’m so tired; mentally and physically all the time, but i can’t fix it. and when i try and sleep, the nightmares pull me back into things i don’t want to remember. it’s like the past won’t leave me alone, and i’m stuck reliving it over and over. sometimes, i’ll hear something or smell something, and suddenly, i’m not here anymore. i’m back there, and it feels so real, like it’s happening all over again. my body reacts like it’s in danger, and i can’t make it stop.

i’m scared all the time. scared of everyone leaving, scared of being alone, scared of my own mind. i overthink everything, like i’m waiting for someone to leave me or hurt me, even if they’re not. and the worst part is, sometimes i feel like i want them to go because maybe it’s better that way. maybe i’m too much for anyone to deal with. my emotions are so intense, and i can’t control them. when i’m angry, i get really angry like, throwing things and hyperventilating and it’s terrifying. and then after, i just feel empty and ashamed and then have to clean everything up and if i don’t i just sit there and cry.

but then, sometimes, i feel nothing at all. like i’m numb. it’s like there’s this huge emptiness inside me, like i’m hollow. i try to fill it with anything—food, distractions, spending money, or doing impulsive things—but it never helps. nothing ever feels good enough, or maybe i just don’t feel like i’m enough. i don’t even know who i am anymore. it’s like my whole identity is broken, and i can’t figure out who i’m supposed to be.

my relationships are such a mess. one minute, i love someone so much it hurts, and the next, i feel like i can’t stand them, like they’re going to hurt me or leave me, so i push them away first. i hate myself for it, but i don’t know how to stop. i want people to stay, but i don’t know how to let them without feeling like i’m suffocating or like i’ll lose them anyway.

and then there’s this weight on me all the time. it’s so heavy, and it feels like i can’t move or breathe right. everything feels pointless. i don’t even know why i bother trying anymore because nothing changes. i’m either crying over everything or completely numb, and i don’t know which is worse. the only constant is this feeling that i’m broken and i’ll never be okay.

i don’t know how to explain this to anyone. i feel like if people knew, they’d just see me as a burden, or they’d leave. maybe they should. maybe i don’t even deserve help because i don’t know if i can be helped. it’s like i’m stuck in this loop of pain and emptiness, and i don’t know how to get out. i just want it to stop. i just want to stop.