The want to be worse? TW

I don't know how to describe, but I WANT to be worse. I want to be so bad that I successfully take my life, I'd say I'm half way there but I want to be so so so much worse. Like I don't even care about the bad choices like vaping or drinking, I just feel the need to be 'bad'. I don't know why, anyone got any suggestions or feel the same?